Fun with emails


Long time, no post I know but bare with me. Ive been sitting on this for almost two months and I almost forgot about it. The back story is my friend got placed on a large listserve that was planning some dude's bachelor party. After a few days of getting random emails he decided to let me in on it. Of course I wanted to participate. I was giggling away at my computer just thinking of the possibilities. Ive provided screen snaps of how exactly this all went down. Here is our initial conversation about it. Note my obvious excitement about throwing around stripper jokes.

Short lull in the conversation. Ok ready? Here we go.

This is the first email that was forwarded to me. Its pretty mundane but it is funny to notice Pat is on the "IN" list, yet he has never responded to any emails...

Until now!!!!

This is the first email list that I was on, the previous one was forwarded to me. I could hardly contain myself at work because I was just waiting for that first response to Pat's email. I decided to jump the gun though and send out a special salutation to this email chain:

I almost lost my shit at my desk after rereading the ridiculousness and just picturing the faces of these guys. From their earlier emails I had them pegged as dorks. After the completion of our email interaction, I can say that these guys are probably pretty fun to hang out with.

Also adding to my enjoyment was that I added two friends, Tony and Kevin onto the listserve, because I know that they would get confused as shit too. I love causing confusion. I also love stereotyping people from Texas.

But then there was a response!

I thought this was pretty well played. Its obvious that not everyone knew each other so this was a perfect response.

Then I got a personal email from the guy who seemed to be running everything...poorly. To make it more amusing I imagined him frantic and exasperated, barely able to type out a coherent email to me. Like the world was about to end because some rogue emailer found their way into their chain.

First I had to send Josh aka "Loves to touch tips" a personal email to see if I could glean anymore funny out of him. He never responded. Asshole. But then I fired one off to Joseph, to see if I could freak him out a little more. He never wrote back either. Whatever, I probably would have made the party 10x better.

The man of honor, decides to chime in with his own thoughts on sword-fighting. This was also well played. Why is your brother such a douche?

I dont know why, but I thought this response was also really funny. Its probably because I pictured him as "Raaaaaandy" but with the voice of Apu from The Simpsons. Im not racist though, I swear.

Since I was already 0-2 on personal responses, the third time had to be a charm. I figured since me and Ayman shared an affinity for activities (CALL ME!!) that he would also be down with forts. "Moat ya later" doesnt really make sense, but if you cant tell, I was in a extremely goofy mood. I do still hold onto hope that when its time for Ayman's bachelor party that I am included in the activity planning. (Like laser tag! PEW^3)

Pat's friend Andy also had a good email. Not making this up, but when I read it for the first time I thought it was one of the randoms messing with us back. Not sure why, maybe it was a lack of reading comprehension since it has his name twice. Go seals.

This is when I knew the jig was up...

The real Pat Lockerd sounds like a real cool dude. I still crack up when I reread this. "Only hookers dying on this trip will be on purpose". Thats golden. I think I just found the title of my bachelor party.

After not getting any responses to my personal emails, I figured that this thing had to come to an end. I tried to go out with a bang and hopefully I did. No one responded to this either. Its ok, Ill catch up to them niggas in February. I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE PARTYING AT DUDES.

They neglected to take Pat off the listserve because he kept getting sporadic emails about the upcoming bachelor party. It was a fun ride while it lasted.

In other site news, Im getting my laptop fixed for Christmas, so I hope to revamp this by early January 2010. Like always, if you want me to write about a certain topic, just leave it in the comments. But nothing about Vampires. Thanks.



Two of my friends are also bloggers and I figured I would take some time out of my busy baller schedule and give them some spotlight.

My friend Alex has a very well written and thought provoking blog, with many subject areas focusing on the recent college graduate. He did a piece with PhilaLawyer detailing his own personal experiences with the job bubble bust. I personally think he is one of the front runners in doing things in a new way as opposed to staying inside the box with your degree and working until you have enough money to retire in 30 years. You can find the blog/article here. A very intelligent give-and-take between an established writer and someone expanding their horizons fresh out of college. Alex's blog can be accessed here. He recently did a post on his idea of his ideal bar, which I am going to borrow and put my own spin on it in my next posting. *SPOILER ALERT* It has tons of topless chicks that shoot bourbon out of their nipples.

Another friend, Jon, has a sweet gig working for a NYC-area sports station that is similar to Philadelphia's CSN. Although he doesnt care for the Giants (eeek! dont tell his boss!) and roots for the Jets, he has a pretty sweet little Giants blog going on here. Now as a Philadelphia guy, I would rather wear hot waffle irons as winter mittens than read about New York sports teams, but I have taken a gander at a few posts and they arent that bad. They are far from awesome (simply because of the subject matter) but they are definitely the opposite of suck. Sadly, I have no plans on borrowing one of his posts to write about, although maybe Ill make a funny MS Paint collage making fun of the Giants.

Fuck Ethics


About 20 minutes ago I was approached by a manager who asked if I had been getting emails from HR about taking online ethics courses. My email has been screwy ever since I took up my new position for some reason, so a lot of the time I dont get emails sent directly to me from Deluxe, our parent company. I saw her approaching so I X-ed out of Chrome, which had up Gmail and some other non-work related sites and opened up IE which takes you right to our company home page. I really thought it was about my internet usage because sometime I click links that bring my to pages blocked by our filter but it wasnt. She had me log into our page and go to our own personal "HR Online" page where I could view this ethics page. Apparently I missed the July 1st deadline to take the 'Preventing Workplace Harassment' lesson.

Do I really need a lesson telling me not to hit on the women, tell racist jokes, or send death threats via email? Whatever, if I cant whip my dick out at chicks, refer to people as "spear chuckers" or tell that asshole who walks around with enough fucking jangly change in his pockets to fill a piggy bank that Im going to suffocate him to death if he doesnt switch to paper money, then what is the point? Now I need to read a 50 page lesson on this and then take a quiz at the end. I hope its not just multiple choice because I like to write my own answers in. True or false; showing your genitalia makes others uncomfortable. FALSE. It makes girls lady parts turn into a Six Flags waterpark and guys so jealous that they buy lifetime supplies of Extenze.

I did a Google image search for "sexual harassment" and here are some pictures that caught my eye:


This guy is just pulling that old trick where you tap one shoulder when you are really on the other side. You know the one, after she looks the wrong way you pull your dick out and swing it in helicopter motions.

"Your hair smells so scent...Is that...PANTENE PRO V?!?!??!"

"Excuse me smiling Asian geisha, you are hindering my ability to scale this shelf of files."

As a future workplace sexual harasser, this is something that I hope to one day have hanging on my wall next to my diploma and picture I took with the Phillie Phanatic.

So Im going to take the test on Friday & Ill let you know how I did. If anyone reading has any tips on how to NOT sexually harass those working around me that would be super.

RIP King of Pop


Michael Jackson B. 1959 D. 2009

As you all know by now Michael Jackson died yesterday as the result of a heart attack at age 50. His is survived by 3 chimps, an elephant, a few giraffes, Tito, and some rhinestone gloves. Ill remember Michael Jackson for a multitude of things. His music was awesome but his personal life was just plain weird. I wonder if his pee-pee is still black? Did it retain its size after Michael went white? So many unanswered questions about this music legend. Sucks for all the people he owed money to though. I wonder if he faked his own death. Conspiracy theories are sure to pop up. If I have time later Ill whip up a quick 5 Awesome Friday, smell ya later (grabs crotch and moonwalks away.)

5 Awesome Friday


Sorry for the lack of updates this week, I should have just popped in and wrote for 5 or 10 minutes once or twice for small entries, but I was busy at work and I get the feeling no one really cares about my personal thoughts. That being said, on with the awesomeness:

1. HEY!

For some reason this video really cracked me up. The randomness combined with the different voices just made me really enjoy it. If you have a few minutes to spare and dont feel like thinking, give it a watch. Plus dinosaurs are totally fucking awesome.

2. Snapple Peach Mangosteen

This is my favorite Jewish flavor of Snapple. Actually mangosteen is not Jewish, but a very rare fruit from Indonesia. Supposedly it sells for $45+ per pound in New York City because the maturation, shipping and storage of the fruit is very fickle. The wiki page has all sorts of big words and bullshit taxonomy terms, so here is a description I found on Wegman's website for it:

"All natural ingredients with vitamins A, C & E. Made from the best stuff on Earth. Naturally flavored peach mangosteen juice drink with other natural flavors. 10% Juice. Rumor has it that Queen Victoria of England offered knighthood to anyone who could bring her a Mangosteen in edible condition. Easy enough, you say? Malarkey! This fruit soon became known as the queen of fruits. What makes it so precious is that when discovered, it required 5 years to grow in extreme tropical conditions in far-off lands. It's no picnic to harvest, either: The usual method is to climb the tree to avoid letting the fruit hit the ground or be handled roughly. Oh, and did we mention that Snapple Peach Mangosteen has immunity building qualities? Enjoy, your majesty."

The best part was when they said "Malarkey!". If I wrote my own review it would go a little something like this:

"This is one of the most delicious juice drinks I have ever imbibed. This guy who knows tons of stuff about rare fruit told me that Jesus created this fruit as a by product of one of his miracles. He teleported to the tropical forests of Indonesia and planted the leftover seeds, then jizzed all over the ground where he planted them. The end result was the devine fruit you are enjoying today. If you are a dude and you are worried that its gay to be drinking it because of how Jesus fertilized it, dont worry, its totally not gay. Even if it was, the ends justify the means. Fag."

To buy 12 of these for $19.95 (+ s/h), click here. You could probably just go to any local store and buy 12 @ $1.79 each and pay $22.77 total, but ordering things through the mail is much more fun. Especially when you pay shipping costs for a 20 lb. box of liquid and glass! UPS will have a field day with that, so buy the insurance!

3. International Sushi Day was yesterday and I celebrated by getting a few rolls for lunch. 4 Pieces each of salmon roll, tuna roll, and spicy tuna roll (with these crunchy flakes of god knows what on top) and a salad (with the awesome ginger dressing) for $8.99. Thats a pretty good deal but I still dont understand why sushi is so expensive. Its rice, seaweed, vegetables, and a small portion of fish. It is sort of labor intensive, but still, it should be cheaper. Let me break down some of the sushi rolls I am familiar with:

California rolls are good for beginners and also because you basically cant fuck it up, I used to love these but I have opened my horizons. Dont get me wrong, I still will eat them no questions asked, and sometimes when you go to a Chinese buffet, they will have this as an option. I like to call this "sushi with training wheels".

Philadelphia rolls are one of my all-time favorites. A lot of people dont really like the idea of combining cream cheese and raw salmon, but its really really good. The soft, creaminess of the cheese is a good contrast with the other ingredients. If you were an assassin and used this dish to get the job done on your mark, I bet it would be called a Killadelphia roll. LOLZZZZZZZZZZZ.

My new favorite rolls are spicy tuna rolls. They must take the tuna and finely dice it and then mix it in a spicy paste, because the filling is very different from regular tuna. Its not overly spicy, but it has a good heat to it and is even better if you get crunchy spicy tuna. If a Viking had to pick a choice of sushi, this might not be it, but he certainly wouldnt complain.

One of the more extravagant rolls I have had so far is called a spider roll. Its softshell crab rolled with rice and fish roe and its delicious to the power of mouthwatering. It comes with this special sauce that they drizzle over it. Im not sure whats in it (probably gross fish parts) but its like a thin chipolte mayo with an Asian twist. Two of the pieces come with a HUGE piece of softshell crab (pictured) which is also great. Its hard to fit it all in your mouth, but your mom gave me some tips on how to do it because shes good at stuff like that.

4. Atlantic City is a great place if you like gambling, drinking, or hookers. My uh, friend, um, told me that you go to Lexington Avenue if you are in the market for some pay by the hour love. Im going to Atlantic City tonight and Im really pumped. I havent been there yet this spring/summer so it will be good to see a lot of people I went to college with. Im staying at the Trump Marina with some friends, so not only will the room be fairy inexpensive, I also wont have to sleep in a ditch like usual. Ha just kidding, I sleep in the backseat of my car. Ok kidding again, but I did actually do that once...and I used my graduation gown as a blanket/cover. The Marina looks pretty baller:

On the other side there is the Marina part...which means boats, docks, and water. I hope I dont get too intoxicated and try to steal a boat. On the otherhand I hope I do and it becomes a high speed chase up and down the Jersey Coast. High speed chases are always 10x better if there is an ongoing shoot-out, so maybe Ill pawn some stuff in the seedy part of AC and get a burner.

During the night, I think we are going this place The Chelsea, which is a new Hotel/Lounge/Goofy neon eyesore. A friend who is a promoter is getting us guest listed, so I can save money on the overpriced cover to put it towards overpriced drinks. You win some you lose some. Still should be awesome. Not sure if Im going to gamble (because alcohol + gambling = bad decisions) but who knows, unpredictable is my confirmation name. I bet these lights attract a lot of moths:

5. Father's Day Phillies game. I think this is the sixth or seventh straight and probably 10+ overall Father's Day Phillies game I have been to. The hats are usually pretty interesting and I think this is the third bucket hat I will be getting from the promo giveaway. I cant find a picture online, so I had to take a screenshot of it:

Now I already have a khaki Phillies bucket hat...but this one is better because of the American flag style 'P'. Patriotism rules! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! They are playing the Baltimore Orioles and everyone knows they are the most communist team in the AL. Fuck you Baltimore.

On a more serious note, I really enjoy Father's Day. I really look up to and admire my dad but he is really hard to buy presents for. If he sees something he wants he usually just buys it on the spot, thats just the way he is. I remember being 13 or 14 and I told him how hard it is and he told me simply getting to hang out just me and him was the best present I could get him. I still like buying him a gift, but I always make myself available for Father's Day no matter what and love getting to hang out just the two of us. So for all 6 of you readers out there, spend some time with your dad and enjoy it, because no matter how your relationship is, deep down he loves you more than anything and couldnt be prouder of you. Play ball!

5 Awesome Friday


1. Ten High. Best bang for your buck bourbon boys buy. Semi-aliterative sentences are awesome too. Im going to baptize my children in this.

2. Jay-Z "Death of Autotune (DOA)". Another single from Blueprint:3. Personally, I have been saying this for a few months now and know a lot of other people felt the same way. Autotune can sound cool if its done right with a good beat, but it has jumped the shark

3. Spicy Mustard. Today my manager bought us all soft pretzels to enjoy while we had our quarterly meeting. The only problem was that the only mustard provided was generic yellow French's mustard. Not only does the manufacturer share a name with one of the suckiest countries that ever did suck, the mustard itself is terrible. I would rather put a mixture of hobo sweat and jellified swine flu on my food than use this stuff. My mainstay is Gulden's Spicy Mustard, but recently I found this awesome horseradish infused mustard:

The actual jar I have has a sick racing stripe and doubles as a blunt object good for bludgeoning someone to death. Especially those someones who bring terrible regular mustard.

4. Funny spam email subject lines. Today I clicked on my spam folder for the first time in I dont know how long (1589 unread spam emails) and saw some funny ones. I took a screensnap for you. Obviously they were all viruses and penis pill offers so I only opened the best one, but you get the picture. This is from the first 3 pages (75 total spam emails):

1. Says "Give squish mittens DUE attention"

2. Says "Click or cats gonna die"

1. Says "Need hard instrument, man?"

2. Says "find how to drill her better"

3. Says "For non-muslim users only"

4. Says "Baroness always whizgiggled at me"

1. Says "Look at this glorious shit"

2. Says "Greetings, are you online"

3. Says "Incredible Hulk's choice is the new Incredible Cialis"

5. Buttburger. No words can describe this awesomeness.

Mmmmmm buttburger...

So what Dojo are you from?


I saw this youtube video on another blog and it instantly made my morning 100x better. Do you remember the first bonus stage in Street Fighter II where you had to destroy the car? Well this is some sort of mongoloid Ryu doing a real life reenactment. It starts off pretty slow and unfunny while he is ripping head lights out, but it immediately zooms off into hilariousity when he starts dropping flying elbows on the hood. *SPOILER ALERT* he lights the car on fire in the end but its not that cool and there wasnt any explosions. I was expecting at least one HADUKEN!! but I was sorely disappointed. Here is a screen cap I took of my favorite part. He borrows a move from Mario 64 and does a jumping butt-crush on the top of the car:

Everyone knows that E. Honda was the best for this bonus stage cause you could just keep doing that one move where he karate chops real quick over and over. I guess Blanca was also good if you used the electric shock move over and over, but that dude was green and not entirely human, and I only fuck with normal ninjas. PS Dhalsim was a pussy.

In other ninja news, this is a pretty old video, but I felt like putting it up anyway. You may recognize Afro Ninja somewhere in there. The other dudes are prime examples of Real Ultimate Power:

Basketball Jones


As it stands right now, I currently am in only one basketball league...which sucks. My handsome squad lost last night in the semi-finals of our 4-on-4 indoor league by 10. We didnt play our best game, so it was sort of frustrating to go out like that. Im going to try to get into the summer version of the same league, so hopefully I can make up for it. I havent had any good ideas for blogs lately, so I figured I would do a smorgasbord of basketball stuff. Like this:

KA-POW! Take that you little running asshole.

If that didnt get your heart racing and your pants tenting, here is a clip of when AI crossed up Jordan:

He should send me royalty checks for teaching him those moves back when we were on the grind in "Da Bad News", Newport News, VA.

I love wearing basketball jerseys on and off the court, but preferably off the court...while at outdoor grilling/drinking festivities. This is my go to jersey to wear in such a situation:

My main man Dr. J works the ladies into a frenzy. It also helps you eat beer cans. Picture proof:


Another jersey I like to wear is this Melo jersey from when he was a young buck at Syracuse.

The only reason Im mentioning this one is because I got it for $15 at the Nittany Mall. Talk about savings!!

Here is my favorite jersey...that I cant find a good picture of. Its a LeBron Nike 2007 FIBA jersey. This one is so crispy that I only wear it to weddings and when the pope visits. I hope to one day be wearing this when I concieve my first child. Here is a stupid partial view of it:

Nike has made a lot of sweet basketball commercials, but this one that came out a few years ago is pretty bad ass. One time after watching it, I was so pumped up that I dunked a basketball with my nutsack.

This is a still frame of Kobe getting socked in the neck by Chris Childs for no reason whatsoever:

One time during my senior year of basketball these paparazi were trying to get an up-short shot of my nuts (they heard about the dunk incident mentioned earlier) and snapped this picture. It ended up on the front page of the newspaper. The heading reads "Knights not afraid of Ghosts". You probably wont understand that unless you are from the Philadelphia area and know about Abington.

If you remember the first season of Flavor of Love or I Love Money, you will remember Nicole Alexander, aka "Hoopz". This is Nicole doing what she loves:

Yep, she loves being scantily clad and giving me the "lets bang" eyes. I think its real gross that she hooked up with Flav but I would still play some "one on one" with her if you catch my drift heh heh heh. Or I would totally "take it to the hole" on her heh heh heh. And I would "double dribble" her boobs heh heh heh. Plus I would need more than "3 seconds" in her lane heh heh heh. Then I would ejaculate on her face. Heh heh heh.

Depending on how "with it" you are when it comes to internet viral videos, here is one of a few that are circulating around with Charlie Murphy as some basketball guru. The best part is when there are explosions.

I cant find a video for this, but if anyone had the Space Jam soundtrack, there was an awesome song with Chris Rock and Barry White called "Basketball Jones". Such an odd colaboration produced a very very funny song. Since I cant find a video, here is a link that you can click. Prepare to have your eardrums POSTERIZED.

Speaking of Space Jam, the shoes pictured next are my favorite pair of Jordans ever. I actually even own a pair. I think they are fake thought because I bought them two years ago and they were only $75. They still look real...but dont really feel real since the sole inserts tore out after 2 weeks of playing in them.

Lastly, I want to share with you a youtube video I have shared with many people many times, so consider yourselves ordinary. This is a video I made with a friend that showcases our white boy verticals and even some sweet crip walking in the middle of the video. Let the soothing sounds of Method Man and Redman's DA ROCKWILDER carry you away into Dunktopia.

The comment section is funny. Some dude calls us "fat dick hoes".

In other basketball related news, I have a game tonight, 7pm, at the Oreland courts. Come out and support myself and my teammates as we try to bounce back from a loss on Monday. Ladies, please keep your tops on until after the game, because it is very distracting and arousing.

5 Awesome Friday


I figured I would start something new here where every Friday I will post 5 cool things that will totally blow your mind and/or melt your face off. If you dont think these things are awesome then go fly a kite with your debate team.

1. Lil Wayne just came out with a song about Kobe. I heard this on Power99 last night and was bumpin' it as I sped down the youtube version Weezy comes in around the :50 second mark. I suggest you listen to this while drinking a 40 at an inner city basketball court. Make friends with the locals by bringing extra & also possibly a marijuana cigar.

2. Today is National Donut Day. I used to love them as a kid but dont really eat that many anymore. If you want some history about this magical day, check this site out. Its still pretty early in the morning, but Ive already learned my one new thing for the day. Do you know why donuts have holes in the middle of them? Its because it allows them to cook more evenly. All these years Ive just assumed that the bakers were perverts and handled the food in unsanitary manners...if you catch my drift. My favorite donut is pictured below. If you dont know that it is a Boston creme then you either are retarded or like jelly donuts. Not the food. The one wear you blow a dude and then he rocks you in the jaw. Suck on that.

The Boston creme donut is the state donut of Massachusetts, something I also didnt know. What is the state donut of Pennsylvania? Not sure, but if they name it after the state's best city, Philadelphia, it will most likely contain cheese wiz or empty bullet casings. Possibly even served with a side of murder sauce.

3. D-Day. On June 6th, 1944, the largest amphibious invasion force EVER was launched against the heavily fortified northern coast of France. By the end of the day American, Canadian, and British forces held a foothold in Axis territory and thus marked a turning point in World War II. 195,000 men in 5,000 would leave English harbors that day, with 160,000 of those men making beach landings. Ive read many books about WWII and D-Day in particular and the size and scope of this operation and the planning/training that went into it is mind boggling. Tomorrow is the 65th anniversary of the landings and I for one hold great esteem for the day. Many of our relatives had a part in the war effort and I applaud all Allied soldiers who sacrificed themselves for freedom. Learn more here and also watch the opening beach scene from Saving Private Ryan:

4. Time Machines are totally kick-ass. If I had a time machine the first thing I would do is go back in time and make a ton of sports bets and stock moves. Then I would come back to present day and roll around in my huge Scrooge Mcduck style vault on top of all my riches. After I had the present day riches secured, I would start having some fun with it. I would like to go back in time and punch Hitler right in the face. I would go back and rail Cleopatra. I would go back and play practical jokes on cavemen. The possibilities are endless. To be honest I would mostly use it to go back and bang hot historical chicks. And not even use a condom! Here is what H.G. Wells' wanted his time machine to look like:
Mine would be at least 100x sweeter than this. First off, I would throw some spinners on it even though it doesnt have wheels, but spinners are key when it comes to time travel. Next, I would install a mini-fridge stocked with peach snapple and premade Italian hoagies, because everyone knows they dont have that shit in the past. Plus time travel makes you hungry. Lastly, I would install some sort of machine gun on top, just in case people from the past try to kill me. I know I just said lastly, but I would also stock the cargo area with extra machine gun ammunition and probably a couple of grenades.

This is sort of related, but I was just thinking what if you had to go to the bathroom while you were traveling through time? If you just took a dump off the side while in transit, would your dump randomly appear at some point in history? Like some serf in 1300s France gets hit in the head with a big brown log from my lower intestine. What about if I peed off the side? Would my pee just appear over the course of hundreds of years as Im traveling? If anyone reading is an expert on Quantum Physics and the effects of defecating off the side of a time machine, please comment.

5. Tokyo Flash watches. This company makes all these futuristic watches that dont use normal analog or digital ways to portray the time. Example:

See I think these look cool as fuck. I wouldnt really care if I couldnt tell the time since I always have my cell phone on me. These watches are conversation starters. If I ever buy a Tokyo Flash watch, I imagine the following happening:

(loud music is playing at a bar while our hero sips a bourbon & cola)
Hot ass chick who looks like Mila Kunis: Hey thats an interesting watch
Me: Yeah it is.
Her: How do you tell what time it is?
Me: Super brain power and an assortment of algorithms.
Her: So what time is it right now?
Me: Time for us to bone...right here...right now.
Her: That sounds like the best idea I have ever heard. But only because you have such an interesting watch. I also like your cologne, Is that what pure awesomeness smells like?
Me: Stop talking so much bitch.

So as you can see, there are really no downsides of owning a watch like this. Except its like $150. One day, I will have this watch though. All the loose change I save everyday is going to be purely for this. On top of that, Im going to try to put aside $5 per week so Im thinking by mid-Fall Ill have this watch. Ill even post pictures of it on my sexy wrist to prove it.

Next Friday Ill post about five more awesome things. If you have any suggestions, email me or leave them in the comments. Also, I am unsure about what I should have for lunch. You can also leave a suggestion about that. But do it soon, its almost lunchtime.

Longtime no blog


Whats up, first and foremost let me apologize for lack of updates. I have been really busy at work and didnt want to put up some subpar material. This is a very sincere apology (wanking motion). This blog is probably less than a month old, and already I want to switch some stuff up. Ive decided that I will still do entries like the ones before, with the lists and pictures and specific themes, but not as frequently as before. I want to be able to just pop in when I have ten minutes of free time and bang out a post of what Ive been pondering lately. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy making big posts with pictures and stuff, but with work being as hectic as it is and the internet not set up at home yet, it just isnt feasible. That being said, this is whats been up with me lately...

Work. Basketball. Manayunk.

Ive been working 45-50 hours a week, Im currently in two basketball leagues, and Ive been having a blast with the warmer weather in Manayunk. Work is work, so Ill spare you that explanation. For basketball, my awesome/handsome team won on Monday night in the quarterfinals meaning we play for a spot in the championship next Monday. Ive played in the Total Body League twice before and have come away with the 'chip twice, so Im not trying to break the streak. Tonight, an outdoor league, in Oreland, I am playing in kicks off at 7. Its calling for rain but I said fuck that noise and did an anti-rain dance in the parking lot. This one woman thought I was playing "air hackeysack". Ok neither of those events happened, but its funny to pretend it did. Lastly, living in Manayunk is awesome. Everything is within walking distance, there are lots of bars/restaurants, and tons of cute girls. Maybe Ill talk to a few of them sometime.

I cant really think of anything else to write about now, so Im going to show you two things that I bought today from since they were having a big sale:

They are only $50 bucks and are pretty different from any shoe that Ive had before. I like the look of the patent leather and overall color scheme, so hopefully cute girls will like them too. Maybe they will like them so much that they will correlate the size of the shoes on my feet to the size of other parts of my body. Psst...I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also bought this duffel bag. Its a big one and it was only $20 so I figured why not. Plus I dont currently own such a bag, nor have I for the last 3-4 years. Im not even lying. I used to go on canning trips or weekend jaunts using either a milk crate or a brown paper grocery bag. Sometimes I would class it up and put my belongings in a school bag. Now its straight high class with this baby.

Im sure most people have read the customer reviews for the three wolf t-shirt but if you havent, check the link out. Its so its SFW. I had thought about leaving a comment about the duffel bag because its such a random object and doesnt really need a review. You could be like "I put all my stuff in it then zipped it up. I also used the straps to carry it wherever I was going. A+++++", ya know? Its a duffel bag, you shove your shit into it then proceed to take things out when needed. Here are some reviews I was thinking about leaving:

"Can fit a whole dead hooker inside"

"I was able to fit $87,000 in one-dollar bills in this thing! Pac-Man aint got shit on me with his hefty bag!"

"Feeds family of 5 for a week. Straps are a little dry. Drink a white wine with this product"

"I used this to smuggle drugs through air security. Contents visible through x-ray scan. Do not buy."

"Ive been homeless for a year and this is the only bag I would endorse."

Also, in addition to winning the basketball game on Monday, I also won two other things. I won a $25 gift certificate in the monthly drawing to the pizza place, Santucci Brothers and also a free OPEN BAR (my two favorite words) at Mad River, from 8-10 on Friday. So if anyone wants to eat some pizza with me or poison their livers hit me up. Lastly, this weekend is the Manayunk Bike Race. Should be a weekend-long party so drop a line if you will be in the area. Im having a party at my house Sunday, so bring your drinking pants.

A -------> B


To touch on an earlier subject, I just wanted to let all 13 of my readers know that my weekend was great. Kevy G was in full effect and there was tons of fun had. A ridiculous moment that stands out is throwing birthday cake and citronella candles off the deck @ Mad River in Manayunk. Well, um, I mean, uh, that I saw some handsome ruffians doing it but I was helpless to stop them.

Chicks get wet when they see people showing no regard for other peoples property (OPP!). On Sunday I had to drive my friend back to 30th street station and it took me on a brain tangent about driving. Also, unrelated, but the last song played, either on 98.9 or 100.3, was Drake - Best I Ever Had which is a sick song thats been played for the last few weeks, but not enough in my opinion. Check out the rest of his mixtape at Sam Goody or the Wall or some shit, you know, where ever sick mixtapes are pushed.

Back on the driving tip though. Ive been a registered driver for about 6 years now. Crazy isnt it? I remember everything leading up to my license, from acing the permit test (15/15) and then failing my first drivers test because I figured I could just do it (5 moves total, 2 too many). Once I got the whip though, it was game long as the game didnt go longer than 11pm. There was a curfew if your parents hadnt heard and were actually cool. Anyway, the first car I could call my own, or call "the car I drove that was under my Dad's name" was a 2000 Taurus SE, flavored in Navy. Take a look at this beauty:

This is sort of like my car but with less scrapes on the back passenger door and less underpants around my rearview.

I used to have the game on SMASH with that car...multiple shore trips, late night sneak outs, solo frosty-eatings, you name it, and I did it in that Taurus. Plus a couple of girls let me touch their goodies in there too, so I got that going for me. When I got the car in the Spring of 2002, it had around 55,000 miles on it. When I finally gave it up in the Winter of 2007, it was pushing 110,000. My Dad randomly called me during finals week at that time and told me to have the car cleaned and vacuumed. I thought he was just being a dick and busting my balls since my car probably contained every fast food promotion wrapper since 2005, but I did his bidding anyway. The good news out of that was that he was prepared to buy me a new car since I was approaching graduation. The prize? A 2000 Taurus...but this one was silver, had leather, and came with some sick speakers. Peep it:

Im pretty sure the car probably cost 5995 but they didnt know about the 6-disc in the trunk. I took two technology steps backwards switching to CDs but took two MACK step forwards in my conversations with 'cougars'.

So Ive been going about my daily life now in this new Taurus, but Im not going to lie (and even if I was going to lie, I wouldnt tell you) that I didnt like it as much as my old Taurus. Thats not really the point of this long-winded opener, but I just wanted to throw it out there. I got to thinking as I was driving down 76 from 30th street, that I spend a good amount of time in my car. On top of my 20 mile, 40 minute commute to and from work, I utilize my wheels more than most since I consider myself a very independent person who likes to keep his options open. I also prefer driving to being driven, since, dont take offense, I would rather myself be behind the wheel in a bad situation than being defenseless in the passenger seat.

I do a lot of things while I drive. I listen to music, talk/text on the phone, eat & drive with my knees, you know, I run the whole gamut when it comes to multi-tasking behind the wheel. Sometimes I feel like I do even more than most regular people though, so I figured I would drop some knowledge about how I get down when pushing the whip.

Things I Like to do Whilst Driving

1. Rap/Sing/Scatman to myself - This one is pretty self-explanatory. I have a pretty good memory so I can memorize lyrics pretty easily. This is probably annoying to other people in the car who have gone full-retard. It comes in handy when you are on the dance floor and dancing with a non-white girl though.

2. Use My Turn Signal - This is just polite protocol. If you take pride in not signaling then fuck you.

3. Adjust My Radio Tuner - Are you as sick as I am of hearing "Single Ladies" by Beyonce or "Blame it on the Alcohol" by Jamie Foxx? You can usually find my right hand on the presets flipping through 96.5, 98.9, 100.3 and 102.1. You can find my left hand on the steering wheel because I am ambidextrous. Ladies call me! PEW PEW PEW

4. Use Sign Language - You never know when you will need to utilize this skill, so I try to have conversations with myself while driving. One time though, these gentlemen in West Philadelphia took umbrage to my signing and I had to beat a hasty retreat. The Taurus is bullet proof so its still fly, dont worry.

5. Make Lemonade - You know how they say "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade?". Well I fully subscribe to that idea but I add "in your car" after the word 'make' and I have a personal addendum of "after robbing neighborhood stands". Its simple; knock off some idiot kids pushing weak refreshments, 'reorganize' their stand (to your own pocket), then drive around squeezing your own juice for distribution. What else could be easier?

6. Play That Vibration Football-Type Game Thing Stuff - Im not really sure what team Im playing with or how you even do anything with this game, but this is the ultimate time-waster. I can be doing 70 on 309 South going home and be DEADLOCKED with the other team at a 0-0 tie. Its almost like soccer but with more scoring and less diving. At least in this game they have a reason to fall over. Its called gravity bitches.

7. Make Replica Ships in a Bottle - Now this can be done with or without a bearded man. The guy in the picture told me that he had free candy and puppies back at his house that he would give me if I gave him a ride without pants on. I kept my end of the deal and this shiester didnt even have a bottle to build the ship in. And thats all I have to say about that.

8. Re-enact Dancing With the Stars Episodes - This one is really killer. I think there must be some kinds of fumes or shit blowing on my face in my car when this happens, cause all I want to do is dance. With a random stranger that sucks at driving. That makes me really angry. Usually Im the dominant partner in the dance but sometimes my partner will get feisty. Usually I end the dance right then with an elbow to the temple. Hint: Immobilization is a hot dance move!!

9. Play Skip-It - I have pretty long legs so let me offer that up to you as an explanation on how I can do this while driving. Ive only done it once and the thing around my ankle was a lead ball and chain, but it still counts. Let just say that the Renaissance Fair took offense to my groping and digiting of their fair maidens. Plus they were all a bunch of dorks in costumes in the summer heat. Advantage? rdfiii.

That being said, Im sure I could think of many more things I do in my car, notably change my pants after sharting or cooking up a Jenkum lab. My creative juices have run out of me and that is in no way related to my visitation of Tube8 a few minutes ago. I went in with a bang and went out with a dribble...This is my most recent blog post (fireworks and galaxies explode, raining Megan Fox's and hundred dollar bills on people).