Fun with emails


Long time, no post I know but bare with me. Ive been sitting on this for almost two months and I almost forgot about it. The back story is my friend got placed on a large listserve that was planning some dude's bachelor party. After a few days of getting random emails he decided to let me in on it. Of course I wanted to participate. I was giggling away at my computer just thinking of the possibilities. Ive provided screen snaps of how exactly this all went down. Here is our initial conversation about it. Note my obvious excitement about throwing around stripper jokes.

Short lull in the conversation. Ok ready? Here we go.

This is the first email that was forwarded to me. Its pretty mundane but it is funny to notice Pat is on the "IN" list, yet he has never responded to any emails...

Until now!!!!

This is the first email list that I was on, the previous one was forwarded to me. I could hardly contain myself at work because I was just waiting for that first response to Pat's email. I decided to jump the gun though and send out a special salutation to this email chain:

I almost lost my shit at my desk after rereading the ridiculousness and just picturing the faces of these guys. From their earlier emails I had them pegged as dorks. After the completion of our email interaction, I can say that these guys are probably pretty fun to hang out with.

Also adding to my enjoyment was that I added two friends, Tony and Kevin onto the listserve, because I know that they would get confused as shit too. I love causing confusion. I also love stereotyping people from Texas.

But then there was a response!

I thought this was pretty well played. Its obvious that not everyone knew each other so this was a perfect response.

Then I got a personal email from the guy who seemed to be running everything...poorly. To make it more amusing I imagined him frantic and exasperated, barely able to type out a coherent email to me. Like the world was about to end because some rogue emailer found their way into their chain.

First I had to send Josh aka "Loves to touch tips" a personal email to see if I could glean anymore funny out of him. He never responded. Asshole. But then I fired one off to Joseph, to see if I could freak him out a little more. He never wrote back either. Whatever, I probably would have made the party 10x better.

The man of honor, decides to chime in with his own thoughts on sword-fighting. This was also well played. Why is your brother such a douche?

I dont know why, but I thought this response was also really funny. Its probably because I pictured him as "Raaaaaandy" but with the voice of Apu from The Simpsons. Im not racist though, I swear.

Since I was already 0-2 on personal responses, the third time had to be a charm. I figured since me and Ayman shared an affinity for activities (CALL ME!!) that he would also be down with forts. "Moat ya later" doesnt really make sense, but if you cant tell, I was in a extremely goofy mood. I do still hold onto hope that when its time for Ayman's bachelor party that I am included in the activity planning. (Like laser tag! PEW^3)

Pat's friend Andy also had a good email. Not making this up, but when I read it for the first time I thought it was one of the randoms messing with us back. Not sure why, maybe it was a lack of reading comprehension since it has his name twice. Go seals.

This is when I knew the jig was up...

The real Pat Lockerd sounds like a real cool dude. I still crack up when I reread this. "Only hookers dying on this trip will be on purpose". Thats golden. I think I just found the title of my bachelor party.

After not getting any responses to my personal emails, I figured that this thing had to come to an end. I tried to go out with a bang and hopefully I did. No one responded to this either. Its ok, Ill catch up to them niggas in February. I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE PARTYING AT DUDES.

They neglected to take Pat off the listserve because he kept getting sporadic emails about the upcoming bachelor party. It was a fun ride while it lasted.

In other site news, Im getting my laptop fixed for Christmas, so I hope to revamp this by early January 2010. Like always, if you want me to write about a certain topic, just leave it in the comments. But nothing about Vampires. Thanks.



Two of my friends are also bloggers and I figured I would take some time out of my busy baller schedule and give them some spotlight.

My friend Alex has a very well written and thought provoking blog, with many subject areas focusing on the recent college graduate. He did a piece with PhilaLawyer detailing his own personal experiences with the job bubble bust. I personally think he is one of the front runners in doing things in a new way as opposed to staying inside the box with your degree and working until you have enough money to retire in 30 years. You can find the blog/article here. A very intelligent give-and-take between an established writer and someone expanding their horizons fresh out of college. Alex's blog can be accessed here. He recently did a post on his idea of his ideal bar, which I am going to borrow and put my own spin on it in my next posting. *SPOILER ALERT* It has tons of topless chicks that shoot bourbon out of their nipples.

Another friend, Jon, has a sweet gig working for a NYC-area sports station that is similar to Philadelphia's CSN. Although he doesnt care for the Giants (eeek! dont tell his boss!) and roots for the Jets, he has a pretty sweet little Giants blog going on here. Now as a Philadelphia guy, I would rather wear hot waffle irons as winter mittens than read about New York sports teams, but I have taken a gander at a few posts and they arent that bad. They are far from awesome (simply because of the subject matter) but they are definitely the opposite of suck. Sadly, I have no plans on borrowing one of his posts to write about, although maybe Ill make a funny MS Paint collage making fun of the Giants.

Fuck Ethics


About 20 minutes ago I was approached by a manager who asked if I had been getting emails from HR about taking online ethics courses. My email has been screwy ever since I took up my new position for some reason, so a lot of the time I dont get emails sent directly to me from Deluxe, our parent company. I saw her approaching so I X-ed out of Chrome, which had up Gmail and some other non-work related sites and opened up IE which takes you right to our company home page. I really thought it was about my internet usage because sometime I click links that bring my to pages blocked by our filter but it wasnt. She had me log into our page and go to our own personal "HR Online" page where I could view this ethics page. Apparently I missed the July 1st deadline to take the 'Preventing Workplace Harassment' lesson.

Do I really need a lesson telling me not to hit on the women, tell racist jokes, or send death threats via email? Whatever, if I cant whip my dick out at chicks, refer to people as "spear chuckers" or tell that asshole who walks around with enough fucking jangly change in his pockets to fill a piggy bank that Im going to suffocate him to death if he doesnt switch to paper money, then what is the point? Now I need to read a 50 page lesson on this and then take a quiz at the end. I hope its not just multiple choice because I like to write my own answers in. True or false; showing your genitalia makes others uncomfortable. FALSE. It makes girls lady parts turn into a Six Flags waterpark and guys so jealous that they buy lifetime supplies of Extenze.

I did a Google image search for "sexual harassment" and here are some pictures that caught my eye:


This guy is just pulling that old trick where you tap one shoulder when you are really on the other side. You know the one, after she looks the wrong way you pull your dick out and swing it in helicopter motions.

"Your hair smells so scent...Is that...PANTENE PRO V?!?!??!"

"Excuse me smiling Asian geisha, you are hindering my ability to scale this shelf of files."

As a future workplace sexual harasser, this is something that I hope to one day have hanging on my wall next to my diploma and picture I took with the Phillie Phanatic.

So Im going to take the test on Friday & Ill let you know how I did. If anyone reading has any tips on how to NOT sexually harass those working around me that would be super.

RIP King of Pop


Michael Jackson B. 1959 D. 2009

As you all know by now Michael Jackson died yesterday as the result of a heart attack at age 50. His is survived by 3 chimps, an elephant, a few giraffes, Tito, and some rhinestone gloves. Ill remember Michael Jackson for a multitude of things. His music was awesome but his personal life was just plain weird. I wonder if his pee-pee is still black? Did it retain its size after Michael went white? So many unanswered questions about this music legend. Sucks for all the people he owed money to though. I wonder if he faked his own death. Conspiracy theories are sure to pop up. If I have time later Ill whip up a quick 5 Awesome Friday, smell ya later (grabs crotch and moonwalks away.)

5 Awesome Friday


Sorry for the lack of updates this week, I should have just popped in and wrote for 5 or 10 minutes once or twice for small entries, but I was busy at work and I get the feeling no one really cares about my personal thoughts. That being said, on with the awesomeness:

1. HEY!

For some reason this video really cracked me up. The randomness combined with the different voices just made me really enjoy it. If you have a few minutes to spare and dont feel like thinking, give it a watch. Plus dinosaurs are totally fucking awesome.

2. Snapple Peach Mangosteen

This is my favorite Jewish flavor of Snapple. Actually mangosteen is not Jewish, but a very rare fruit from Indonesia. Supposedly it sells for $45+ per pound in New York City because the maturation, shipping and storage of the fruit is very fickle. The wiki page has all sorts of big words and bullshit taxonomy terms, so here is a description I found on Wegman's website for it:

"All natural ingredients with vitamins A, C & E. Made from the best stuff on Earth. Naturally flavored peach mangosteen juice drink with other natural flavors. 10% Juice. Rumor has it that Queen Victoria of England offered knighthood to anyone who could bring her a Mangosteen in edible condition. Easy enough, you say? Malarkey! This fruit soon became known as the queen of fruits. What makes it so precious is that when discovered, it required 5 years to grow in extreme tropical conditions in far-off lands. It's no picnic to harvest, either: The usual method is to climb the tree to avoid letting the fruit hit the ground or be handled roughly. Oh, and did we mention that Snapple Peach Mangosteen has immunity building qualities? Enjoy, your majesty."

The best part was when they said "Malarkey!". If I wrote my own review it would go a little something like this:

"This is one of the most delicious juice drinks I have ever imbibed. This guy who knows tons of stuff about rare fruit told me that Jesus created this fruit as a by product of one of his miracles. He teleported to the tropical forests of Indonesia and planted the leftover seeds, then jizzed all over the ground where he planted them. The end result was the devine fruit you are enjoying today. If you are a dude and you are worried that its gay to be drinking it because of how Jesus fertilized it, dont worry, its totally not gay. Even if it was, the ends justify the means. Fag."

To buy 12 of these for $19.95 (+ s/h), click here. You could probably just go to any local store and buy 12 @ $1.79 each and pay $22.77 total, but ordering things through the mail is much more fun. Especially when you pay shipping costs for a 20 lb. box of liquid and glass! UPS will have a field day with that, so buy the insurance!

3. International Sushi Day was yesterday and I celebrated by getting a few rolls for lunch. 4 Pieces each of salmon roll, tuna roll, and spicy tuna roll (with these crunchy flakes of god knows what on top) and a salad (with the awesome ginger dressing) for $8.99. Thats a pretty good deal but I still dont understand why sushi is so expensive. Its rice, seaweed, vegetables, and a small portion of fish. It is sort of labor intensive, but still, it should be cheaper. Let me break down some of the sushi rolls I am familiar with:

California rolls are good for beginners and also because you basically cant fuck it up, I used to love these but I have opened my horizons. Dont get me wrong, I still will eat them no questions asked, and sometimes when you go to a Chinese buffet, they will have this as an option. I like to call this "sushi with training wheels".

Philadelphia rolls are one of my all-time favorites. A lot of people dont really like the idea of combining cream cheese and raw salmon, but its really really good. The soft, creaminess of the cheese is a good contrast with the other ingredients. If you were an assassin and used this dish to get the job done on your mark, I bet it would be called a Killadelphia roll. LOLZZZZZZZZZZZ.

My new favorite rolls are spicy tuna rolls. They must take the tuna and finely dice it and then mix it in a spicy paste, because the filling is very different from regular tuna. Its not overly spicy, but it has a good heat to it and is even better if you get crunchy spicy tuna. If a Viking had to pick a choice of sushi, this might not be it, but he certainly wouldnt complain.

One of the more extravagant rolls I have had so far is called a spider roll. Its softshell crab rolled with rice and fish roe and its delicious to the power of mouthwatering. It comes with this special sauce that they drizzle over it. Im not sure whats in it (probably gross fish parts) but its like a thin chipolte mayo with an Asian twist. Two of the pieces come with a HUGE piece of softshell crab (pictured) which is also great. Its hard to fit it all in your mouth, but your mom gave me some tips on how to do it because shes good at stuff like that.

4. Atlantic City is a great place if you like gambling, drinking, or hookers. My uh, friend, um, told me that you go to Lexington Avenue if you are in the market for some pay by the hour love. Im going to Atlantic City tonight and Im really pumped. I havent been there yet this spring/summer so it will be good to see a lot of people I went to college with. Im staying at the Trump Marina with some friends, so not only will the room be fairy inexpensive, I also wont have to sleep in a ditch like usual. Ha just kidding, I sleep in the backseat of my car. Ok kidding again, but I did actually do that once...and I used my graduation gown as a blanket/cover. The Marina looks pretty baller:

On the other side there is the Marina part...which means boats, docks, and water. I hope I dont get too intoxicated and try to steal a boat. On the otherhand I hope I do and it becomes a high speed chase up and down the Jersey Coast. High speed chases are always 10x better if there is an ongoing shoot-out, so maybe Ill pawn some stuff in the seedy part of AC and get a burner.

During the night, I think we are going this place The Chelsea, which is a new Hotel/Lounge/Goofy neon eyesore. A friend who is a promoter is getting us guest listed, so I can save money on the overpriced cover to put it towards overpriced drinks. You win some you lose some. Still should be awesome. Not sure if Im going to gamble (because alcohol + gambling = bad decisions) but who knows, unpredictable is my confirmation name. I bet these lights attract a lot of moths:

5. Father's Day Phillies game. I think this is the sixth or seventh straight and probably 10+ overall Father's Day Phillies game I have been to. The hats are usually pretty interesting and I think this is the third bucket hat I will be getting from the promo giveaway. I cant find a picture online, so I had to take a screenshot of it:

Now I already have a khaki Phillies bucket hat...but this one is better because of the American flag style 'P'. Patriotism rules! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! They are playing the Baltimore Orioles and everyone knows they are the most communist team in the AL. Fuck you Baltimore.

On a more serious note, I really enjoy Father's Day. I really look up to and admire my dad but he is really hard to buy presents for. If he sees something he wants he usually just buys it on the spot, thats just the way he is. I remember being 13 or 14 and I told him how hard it is and he told me simply getting to hang out just me and him was the best present I could get him. I still like buying him a gift, but I always make myself available for Father's Day no matter what and love getting to hang out just the two of us. So for all 6 of you readers out there, spend some time with your dad and enjoy it, because no matter how your relationship is, deep down he loves you more than anything and couldnt be prouder of you. Play ball!

5 Awesome Friday


1. Ten High. Best bang for your buck bourbon boys buy. Semi-aliterative sentences are awesome too. Im going to baptize my children in this.

2. Jay-Z "Death of Autotune (DOA)". Another single from Blueprint:3. Personally, I have been saying this for a few months now and know a lot of other people felt the same way. Autotune can sound cool if its done right with a good beat, but it has jumped the shark

3. Spicy Mustard. Today my manager bought us all soft pretzels to enjoy while we had our quarterly meeting. The only problem was that the only mustard provided was generic yellow French's mustard. Not only does the manufacturer share a name with one of the suckiest countries that ever did suck, the mustard itself is terrible. I would rather put a mixture of hobo sweat and jellified swine flu on my food than use this stuff. My mainstay is Gulden's Spicy Mustard, but recently I found this awesome horseradish infused mustard:

The actual jar I have has a sick racing stripe and doubles as a blunt object good for bludgeoning someone to death. Especially those someones who bring terrible regular mustard.

4. Funny spam email subject lines. Today I clicked on my spam folder for the first time in I dont know how long (1589 unread spam emails) and saw some funny ones. I took a screensnap for you. Obviously they were all viruses and penis pill offers so I only opened the best one, but you get the picture. This is from the first 3 pages (75 total spam emails):

1. Says "Give squish mittens DUE attention"

2. Says "Click or cats gonna die"

1. Says "Need hard instrument, man?"

2. Says "find how to drill her better"

3. Says "For non-muslim users only"

4. Says "Baroness always whizgiggled at me"

1. Says "Look at this glorious shit"

2. Says "Greetings, are you online"

3. Says "Incredible Hulk's choice is the new Incredible Cialis"

5. Buttburger. No words can describe this awesomeness.

Mmmmmm buttburger...

So what Dojo are you from?


I saw this youtube video on another blog and it instantly made my morning 100x better. Do you remember the first bonus stage in Street Fighter II where you had to destroy the car? Well this is some sort of mongoloid Ryu doing a real life reenactment. It starts off pretty slow and unfunny while he is ripping head lights out, but it immediately zooms off into hilariousity when he starts dropping flying elbows on the hood. *SPOILER ALERT* he lights the car on fire in the end but its not that cool and there wasnt any explosions. I was expecting at least one HADUKEN!! but I was sorely disappointed. Here is a screen cap I took of my favorite part. He borrows a move from Mario 64 and does a jumping butt-crush on the top of the car:

Everyone knows that E. Honda was the best for this bonus stage cause you could just keep doing that one move where he karate chops real quick over and over. I guess Blanca was also good if you used the electric shock move over and over, but that dude was green and not entirely human, and I only fuck with normal ninjas. PS Dhalsim was a pussy.

In other ninja news, this is a pretty old video, but I felt like putting it up anyway. You may recognize Afro Ninja somewhere in there. The other dudes are prime examples of Real Ultimate Power: