A -------> B


To touch on an earlier subject, I just wanted to let all 13 of my readers know that my weekend was great. Kevy G was in full effect and there was tons of fun had. A ridiculous moment that stands out is throwing birthday cake and citronella candles off the deck @ Mad River in Manayunk. Well, um, I mean, uh, that I saw some handsome ruffians doing it but I was helpless to stop them.

Chicks get wet when they see people showing no regard for other peoples property (OPP!). On Sunday I had to drive my friend back to 30th street station and it took me on a brain tangent about driving. Also, unrelated, but the last song played, either on 98.9 or 100.3, was Drake - Best I Ever Had which is a sick song thats been played for the last few weeks, but not enough in my opinion. Check out the rest of his mixtape at Sam Goody or the Wall or some shit, you know, where ever sick mixtapes are pushed.

Back on the driving tip though. Ive been a registered driver for about 6 years now. Crazy isnt it? I remember everything leading up to my license, from acing the permit test (15/15) and then failing my first drivers test because I figured I could just do it (5 moves total, 2 too many). Once I got the whip though, it was game over...as long as the game didnt go longer than 11pm. There was a curfew if your parents hadnt heard and were actually cool. Anyway, the first car I could call my own, or call "the car I drove that was under my Dad's name" was a 2000 Taurus SE, flavored in Navy. Take a look at this beauty:

This is sort of like my car but with less scrapes on the back passenger door and less underpants around my rearview.

I used to have the game on SMASH with that car...multiple shore trips, late night sneak outs, solo frosty-eatings, you name it, and I did it in that Taurus. Plus a couple of girls let me touch their goodies in there too, so I got that going for me. When I got the car in the Spring of 2002, it had around 55,000 miles on it. When I finally gave it up in the Winter of 2007, it was pushing 110,000. My Dad randomly called me during finals week at that time and told me to have the car cleaned and vacuumed. I thought he was just being a dick and busting my balls since my car probably contained every fast food promotion wrapper since 2005, but I did his bidding anyway. The good news out of that was that he was prepared to buy me a new car since I was approaching graduation. The prize? A 2000 Taurus...but this one was silver, had leather, and came with some sick speakers. Peep it:

Im pretty sure the car probably cost 5995 but they didnt know about the 6-disc in the trunk. I took two technology steps backwards switching to CDs but took two MACK step forwards in my conversations with 'cougars'.

So Ive been going about my daily life now in this new Taurus, but Im not going to lie (and even if I was going to lie, I wouldnt tell you) that I didnt like it as much as my old Taurus. Thats not really the point of this long-winded opener, but I just wanted to throw it out there. I got to thinking as I was driving down 76 from 30th street, that I spend a good amount of time in my car. On top of my 20 mile, 40 minute commute to and from work, I utilize my wheels more than most since I consider myself a very independent person who likes to keep his options open. I also prefer driving to being driven, since, dont take offense, I would rather myself be behind the wheel in a bad situation than being defenseless in the passenger seat.

I do a lot of things while I drive. I listen to music, talk/text on the phone, eat & drive with my knees, you know, I run the whole gamut when it comes to multi-tasking behind the wheel. Sometimes I feel like I do even more than most regular people though, so I figured I would drop some knowledge about how I get down when pushing the whip.

Things I Like to do Whilst Driving

1. Rap/Sing/Scatman to myself - This one is pretty self-explanatory. I have a pretty good memory so I can memorize lyrics pretty easily. This is probably annoying to other people in the car who have gone full-retard. It comes in handy when you are on the dance floor and dancing with a non-white girl though.

2. Use My Turn Signal - This is just polite protocol. If you take pride in not signaling then fuck you.

3. Adjust My Radio Tuner - Are you as sick as I am of hearing "Single Ladies" by Beyonce or "Blame it on the Alcohol" by Jamie Foxx? You can usually find my right hand on the presets flipping through 96.5, 98.9, 100.3 and 102.1. You can find my left hand on the steering wheel because I am ambidextrous. Ladies call me! PEW PEW PEW

4. Use Sign Language - You never know when you will need to utilize this skill, so I try to have conversations with myself while driving. One time though, these gentlemen in West Philadelphia took umbrage to my signing and I had to beat a hasty retreat. The Taurus is bullet proof so its still fly, dont worry.

5. Make Lemonade - You know how they say "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade?". Well I fully subscribe to that idea but I add "in your car" after the word 'make' and I have a personal addendum of "after robbing neighborhood stands". Its simple; knock off some idiot kids pushing weak refreshments, 'reorganize' their stand (to your own pocket), then drive around squeezing your own juice for distribution. What else could be easier?

6. Play That Vibration Football-Type Game Thing Stuff - Im not really sure what team Im playing with or how you even do anything with this game, but this is the ultimate time-waster. I can be doing 70 on 309 South going home and be DEADLOCKED with the other team at a 0-0 tie. Its almost like soccer but with more scoring and less diving. At least in this game they have a reason to fall over. Its called gravity bitches.

7. Make Replica Ships in a Bottle - Now this can be done with or without a bearded man. The guy in the picture told me that he had free candy and puppies back at his house that he would give me if I gave him a ride without pants on. I kept my end of the deal and this shiester didnt even have a bottle to build the ship in. And thats all I have to say about that.

8. Re-enact Dancing With the Stars Episodes - This one is really killer. I think there must be some kinds of fumes or shit blowing on my face in my car when this happens, cause all I want to do is dance. With a random stranger that sucks at driving. That makes me really angry. Usually Im the dominant partner in the dance but sometimes my partner will get feisty. Usually I end the dance right then with an elbow to the temple. Hint: Immobilization is a hot dance move!!

9. Play Skip-It - I have pretty long legs so let me offer that up to you as an explanation on how I can do this while driving. Ive only done it once and the thing around my ankle was a lead ball and chain, but it still counts. Let just say that the Renaissance Fair took offense to my groping and digiting of their fair maidens. Plus they were all a bunch of dorks in costumes in the summer heat. Advantage? rdfiii.

That being said, Im sure I could think of many more things I do in my car, notably change my pants after sharting or cooking up a Jenkum lab. My creative juices have run out of me and that is in no way related to my visitation of Tube8 a few minutes ago. I went in with a bang and went out with a dribble...This is my most recent blog post (fireworks and galaxies explode, raining Megan Fox's and hundred dollar bills on people).

Lucky Graduates


Im sitting here at my desk and its 6:40PM. I got asked to work late tonight even though everyone knows NOTHING is going on after 4 o'clock on a Friday. I mean its time & half and it pushes me over 50 hours for the week, but still Im just sitting here. Ive had 'What We Do' by Freeway ft. Jay-Z & Beanie Siegel on repeat for the last hour pretty loud because I am the only one within a 50ft radius. Ive been so busy this week that I havent even had time to write a real post...but dont fret, I have two pretty good ideas for next week & hopefully Ill snag some quality video of Kevy G this weekend. I figured I would just write off the top of my head in list form. Here goes:

  • Playing Mortal Kombat II
  • Riding go-karts
  • Sock 'em bopper war
  • Eating food
  • Sleeping
  • Railing bitches
  • Disregaurding safety
  • An attractive female member of your family
  • Paint by numbers window decorations
  • Civil War reenactments
  • Smashing my head in with a sledgehammer
  • Trying my hand at agriculture
  • Learning how to competitively jump-rump
  • Interview Mike Tyson (seriously though, he is the man)
  • Time traveling
  • Seeing the new Star Trek movie
  • Looking up Jessica Biel's skirt
  • Finding who really killed Nicole Brown Simpson
  • Collecting baseball cards
  • Drinking Ten High
  • Learning the ins and outs of holograms
  • Develop an eating disorder
  • Conquer said disorder
  • Get a tattoo of Stone Cold Steve Austin
  • Throw a boomarang...to myself
  • Blog

I could literally write anything down and it would be better than sitting here complaining about how this sucks. Ill go out on a limb here and say I would rather be a real life Bill Pullman (or is it Paxton) in the movie 'Tornado' and drive around chasing tornados than be here at work. Cause at least he gets to bone Helen Hunt at the end of the flick. Im over here getting the shaft and hes laying pipe on the chick from 'Mad About You'. HR is going to get a very angry note in the "improvement box". Actually I would never waste my time doing something like that. Only idiots think a small note like that would advent change. What Im going to do is take a big dump in the box and then let it heat up in the microwave for an hour. See ya on Monday!

For your listening and viewing pleasure I have decided to embedd possibly the worst greatest rap song and one of the coolest videos. Look for members of The Wire too.

The Alien Vampire Robot Comes to Philly


This Friday a good friend of mine, Kevy G, is coming to stay at my house for the weekend. He hails from Waldorf, Maryland but is suspected to be from another planet. Extremely sheltered before getting to Penn State, Kevy G has come out of his shell. His hobbies include lifting weights, wearing small t-shirts, and watching Nip/Tuck. He also enjoys a tiny couch. This is me and Kevy G chilling on a friend's couch. This couch is special to me because I sharted on it this one time.

I have known Kevy G for close to five years. In that time, I have compiled a list of things he irrationally hates. They include: babies, unicorns, mayonnaise, and Halloween. He also has irrational love for somethings too. They include: dead baby jokes, vouchers, gorges, gargoyles, troglodytes, and boneless wings from Wings Over Happy Valley. He is a enigma wrapped in a puzzle wrapped in a level 10 sudoku puzzle.

Kevy G is a pro football freak. He even has a blog by the same title. Its on my sidebar link list, so I definitely recommend you checking it out if you want your brain totally melted from awesome professional football commentary. If his blog was a person and that person had a slogan it would be "Get money and fuck bitches...profootballfreak style". It would even print it on bumper stickers and hand them out at blogger conventions.

Anyway, Kevy G is taking a train on Friday from Washington, DC to Philadelphia where my roommate, Jimmy is picking him up from 30th Street Station. I was all like "AYO Jimmy! Kevy G is coming to town" and he was all like:

So he was surprised to say the least. We have plans on Friday night to head to:

Which is where I currently reside. Terrace Street Bombers represent. Since a lot of our friends live in and around the area and also enjoy hanging out with Kevy G, we should have an awesome turnout. Here are some dudes who I presume to be coming:

Adam Scott:

Ben T. Lee:

Young Harris:

The Bungler:

Notorious P.A.T.:


Madam Chetter:

Fackin' Hags:

Eppppppppstein. Wait, Epstein? Hes not going to be there. (mega frown)

Donny (far right, pointing at bum):

Ok I dont know why I put the last picture up since two of the four people wont be there this weekend. Hint: Its Kanoff and the sleeping homeless man from Pisa.

So Friday night were all going to congregate in one of our backyards and catch up with our old friend. Most likely, we'll get a handle or two of vodka, some solo cups, ice, and plastic shot glasses and stand around a table. After we have assembled the accoutremon, we will fill one solo cup with ice and vodka then use another empty solo cup to strain the mixture into plastic shot glasses. I prefer red solo cups. We will then repeat the process as many times possible until the liquor runs out. Once its all gone its time for some hood-rat shit.

Saturday, we are on a mission to get Kevy G one of these bad boys:

Most likely we'll go to Dalessandro's and get one, but there are plenty of other options. I, myself, think Chubby's across the street is good and there is always Jim's on South Street. Another option is hitting up Steve's. Leave a comment if you have any other good suggestions or wish to offer your sister to me to join my harem.

Also, we might hook Kevy G up with some other Philly staples, such as:

I really wanted to hit up a BYO all-you-can-eat sushi place Saturday night but I think people have shot down my idea. This looks pretty good though.

Saturday night will be more debauchery in either Manayunk again or Center City. Ill provide details later of what happened but chances are I wont remember it. This is what could happen:

This is Kevy G (incognito) getting freaky on the dance floor with some college co-ed. She gave him a rusty trombone later this night and left him with a mean case of cock-burn. She had mad callouses on her hand. Nasty bitch!

This is an altered picture of Kevy describing how many girls he MACKED on while in the 215.

The ladies truly fight for his delight. I am hoping for an awesome weekend chock full of Kevy G and the hilarious things he says or does. Hopefully someone will have a digital camera so I can post some pictures and also video of his stay this weekend. Please stay tuned. If you want to text him random things his phone number is 301-643-5299.

Smile at the Camera


I found this website that posts goofy family photos and makes a quip about the picture. Most of them were stupid or uncreative so I thought I would pull a OJ and take a stab at it. What? Was that in bad taste? Moving right along...

This family loves a day at the slopes. A little skiing, building a snow man, touching dad's leg...
I wonder how many panties dropped as a result of this picture for these kids in high school. This ranks #7 on worst things to show someone from your wallet...right behind "a rusty blood-stained razor blade" and right in front of "membership to NAMBLA"

Is this Aladdin's family all grown up?

Radagast the Curly in the back cast a Level 17 Ultimate Virginity spell on himself before putting on that outfit.

World's Best Dad, Im going to need you to take your creep smile down to a level six. I would bone your wife though, Ill give you that...oh and probably kick your dog on the way out.

"Hey lets get a family picture"
"Great Idea, Sue!"
"Wait lets all surround ourselves around Mom and Dad while they make out!"
"Another fantastic idea Sue, but can the grandkids also watch?"
"I dont see why not"
"Ok wonderful! Everyone take their positions!"
"Wait, lets all wear varying shades of blue to give off a Canadian Tuxedo vibe."
"Sue you are on fire today!"


OK I know this is 80s/early 90s but when was it ok to look like this. "Hey lets look like DOUBLE the asshole by posing with our identically dressed twins!". 10 extra points for what look like ass-less leather chaps over your acid-wash denim. Before I go to bed tonight Im going to pray that these people still pose for this picture every year...except that the dudes have gone bald and rock skullets.

Mr. and Mrs. 2009 Black Captain America.


Is this a recipe for a dysfunctional childhood? Mom get a razor for Christ sake and Dad please get your balls out of my face
I wish there were more pictures for me to post but the rest either werent funny or they had weird URLs and wouldnt let me link them. I thought about doing a Google image search and posting my own, but I think Ive looked at enough weirdos for the day. That is, until I go to my Quidditch practice today! Shotgun Gryffendor! No way you were Gryffendor last time! Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmm, he wont give me back my wand! Magical PEW PEW PEW.

Christopher Walken Pisses Excellence


Yesterday for Mother's Day I went over my moms and cooked her a nice dinner. I grilled up some steak, mashed up some potatoes, and medleyfied a bag of vegetable medley for the meal. Oh and I also got her a box of white grenache, Franzia style because thats what she requested. After dinner I was feeling quite exhausted since I went to bed late the previous few days and also had a few cocktails before, during, and post dinner. Logical decision was to stay over and go straight to work in the morning.

TV sucked so I decided to watch King of New York, which I had received as a Christmas Present. Christopher Walken plays this bad-ass kingpin gangster dude named Frank White, which is who Notorious B.I.G. references many times in his songs. It also has Lawrence Fishburn, David Caruso, Steve Buscemi and Wesley Snipes among others. Awesome movie, so I recommend seeing it. Not to spoil anything, but there is one scene where a drug deal is about to go down between Walken's crew and some South American dudes. Things are pretty tense because they cant agree to a price and all of the sudden Lawrence Fishburn bursts in the door dressed like a bell-hop and screams "ROOOOOOM SERVICE MOTHERFUCKAZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" and shoots up the room. Very random and gangsta.

The point of this entry is how much I enjoy Christopher Walken. Off the top of my head I can tell you he is awesome in The Deer Hunter, Batman 2, Pulp Fiction, Suicide Kings, Catch Me If You Can, Waynes World II, plus all those SNL appearances. His delivery and rhythm of speech makes him very funny without appearing to be intentional. Instead of ranting about my man-crush on him, Im just going to post my favorite media of him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XtuPvwBa2U - SNL Census

This really sucks that youtube wont let me embed this video clip because this is one of the funniest skits I have ever seen. Walken plays a weirdo who may or may not have just got out of jail and is engaged by a Census worker. He asks Walken all these questions and just receives off the wall answers. Example:

Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.

This is a video that is extremely well known and has spawned several novelty t-shirts:

SNL is really gay and doesnt let their videos on youtube, so this is some weird picture mash-up w/ the audio from the skit.

Some dude got a tat of Walken. Thats pretty extreme bro.

Aside from the Census video, this is probably one of my favorite Walken pieces. His "two mice" speech he gave in Catch Me If You Can:

This is from when they are playing russian roulette in the Deer Hunter. Trippy movie.

Here is a clip of Christopher Walken on the Simpsons reading to small children:

Ive never seen this movie but I think it comes out soon. Looks pretty sweet.

I just got really busy at work so this post sort of lacks any humor or direction, but I hope you enjoyed the Christopher Walken stuff. This is probably the worst entry I have done yet but...here are some links for more Christopher Walken enjoyment:

Panini Appreciation Day


I love Paninis. I feel that any sandwich can be instantly made 10x better by throwing it in a panini press. While I currently do not own a press and toast my sandwiches in the toaster oven, it is #4 on my list of cool stuff I need to buy sometime. I am a HUGE fan of sandwiches in general for their versatility and flexibility, but a panini is one of my favorite versions. I figured I would share my 'recipe', if you will, for a groin-grabbingly good panini. To quote Moe Syzlak, "its like theres a party in my mouth and everyone is invited". Here is a guaranteed taste bud boner inducing panini:

This panini contains grilled chicken, fresh mozzarella, roasted peppers, lettuce and a delicious garlic-pesto spread. These are the moves you need to make to obtain a one-way ticket to tastetown

First you need to get some fresh Italian bread and slice it up good and thick like this:

Next you want to season up some chicken breast with salt, pepper, and garlic powder then grill that bitch up. Cook it about 4/5ths of the way through since it will continue cooking off the heat and also a bit in the panini press. After taking it off the grill, you should see this:

For the spread, you need to mix equal parts pesto (basil+olive oil+pine nuts) with mayonnaise. If you are watching your figure you can use light mayonnaise. If you arent watching your figure you can use 2x fat mayonnaise to suit your fancy. Top it off with some garlic powder and set aside until sandwich assembly time. If you made more than enough for one sandwich and stored it in a bowl, it would be similar to this:

Now its time to open the jar of roasted red peppers. A jar of roasted red peppers looks like this (personal results may vary):

Now any old idiot can get some iceberg lettuce and use it in a sandwich, but I feel its too generic to nestle in the middle of my divine creation. Arugula has a stronger flavor and also adds a nice color contrast to the roasted peppers. One time I spent my summer working on an arugula farm and this is what I saw every day:

Last, but certainly not least, is the fresh mozzarella. Slice it into rounds like so:

Now you have all your ingredients handy, its time to heat up your panini press. If it doesnt look like this you bought the wrong appliance. You probably bought a quiche maker. Fag. Panini press:

So put on your panini assembling gloves and lets get started:

Damn, those are some terrifying gloves.
Spread some of your pesto mayo on each piece of bread and dont be skimping on it. Next put your chicken breast down. Once the chicken is securely in place on the slice of bread, you can now lower a disk of mozzarella on top of it. Always look both ways before though. Safety is the key to delicious sandwich making. After the chicken and mozzarella have become friendly, you can give them an arugula blanket so they can get more intimate. Top off with the roasted peppers as some sort of food-sex-prophylactic euphemism. Lastly, butter the outside of each piece of bread so you will get some kick ass grill marks and also some good flavor. Toss that jaun on the panini maker and you are two to three mintues from a mouthgasm. If your imagination sucks and need some photo stimulation help, here you go:
Wow that looks terrific. Once your panini is done in the press you can commence consumption. Be careful, it might be hot. Also, dont get your hand stuck in the press by accident. Grill marks on sandwich = good. Grill marks on hand = you are an idiot. Here is a tantalizing close-up of how sexy your sandwich could look if you followed all my instructions. Model pictured here is my thesis sandwich when I was going for my masters in Panini making from Philadelphia Sandwich Technical Institute. Lets go Wildcats!

There you have it. A terrific, step-by-step guide on how to make a mouth-banger of a sandwich. If you are a hot chick and would like to make me a sandwich while I sit on your couch and drink beer please leave a comment.