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To touch on an earlier subject, I just wanted to let all 13 of my readers know that my weekend was great. Kevy G was in full effect and there was tons of fun had. A ridiculous moment that stands out is throwing birthday cake and citronella candles off the deck @ Mad River in Manayunk. Well, um, I mean, uh, that I saw some handsome ruffians doing it but I was helpless to stop them.

Chicks get wet when they see people showing no regard for other peoples property (OPP!). On Sunday I had to drive my friend back to 30th street station and it took me on a brain tangent about driving. Also, unrelated, but the last song played, either on 98.9 or 100.3, was Drake - Best I Ever Had which is a sick song thats been played for the last few weeks, but not enough in my opinion. Check out the rest of his mixtape at Sam Goody or the Wall or some shit, you know, where ever sick mixtapes are pushed.

Back on the driving tip though. Ive been a registered driver for about 6 years now. Crazy isnt it? I remember everything leading up to my license, from acing the permit test (15/15) and then failing my first drivers test because I figured I could just do it (5 moves total, 2 too many). Once I got the whip though, it was game over...as long as the game didnt go longer than 11pm. There was a curfew if your parents hadnt heard and were actually cool. Anyway, the first car I could call my own, or call "the car I drove that was under my Dad's name" was a 2000 Taurus SE, flavored in Navy. Take a look at this beauty:


This is sort of like my car but with less scrapes on the back passenger door and less underpants around my rearview.


I used to have the game on SMASH with that car...multiple shore trips, late night sneak outs, solo frosty-eatings, you name it, and I did it in that Taurus. Plus a couple of girls let me touch their goodies in there too, so I got that going for me. When I got the car in the Spring of 2002, it had around 55,000 miles on it. When I finally gave it up in the Winter of 2007, it was pushing 110,000. My Dad randomly called me during finals week at that time and told me to have the car cleaned and vacuumed. I thought he was just being a dick and busting my balls since my car probably contained every fast food promotion wrapper since 2005, but I did his bidding anyway. The good news out of that was that he was prepared to buy me a new car since I was approaching graduation. The prize? A 2000 Taurus...but this one was silver, had leather, and came with some sick speakers. Peep it:

Im pretty sure the car probably cost 5995 but they didnt know about the 6-disc in the trunk. I took two technology steps backwards switching to CDs but took two MACK step forwards in my conversations with 'cougars'.

So Ive been going about my daily life now in this new Taurus, but Im not going to lie (and even if I was going to lie, I wouldnt tell you) that I didnt like it as much as my old Taurus. Thats not really the point of this long-winded opener, but I just wanted to throw it out there. I got to thinking as I was driving down 76 from 30th street, that I spend a good amount of time in my car. On top of my 20 mile, 40 minute commute to and from work, I utilize my wheels more than most since I consider myself a very independent person who likes to keep his options open. I also prefer driving to being driven, since, dont take offense, I would rather myself be behind the wheel in a bad situation than being defenseless in the passenger seat.

I do a lot of things while I drive. I listen to music, talk/text on the phone, eat & drive with my knees, you know, I run the whole gamut when it comes to multi-tasking behind the wheel. Sometimes I feel like I do even more than most regular people though, so I figured I would drop some knowledge about how I get down when pushing the whip.

Things I Like to do Whilst Driving



1. Rap/Sing/Scatman to myself - This one is pretty self-explanatory. I have a pretty good memory so I can memorize lyrics pretty easily. This is probably annoying to other people in the car who have gone full-retard. It comes in handy when you are on the dance floor and dancing with a non-white girl though.

2. Use My Turn Signal - This is just polite protocol. If you take pride in not signaling then fuck you.



3. Adjust My Radio Tuner - Are you as sick as I am of hearing "Single Ladies" by Beyonce or "Blame it on the Alcohol" by Jamie Foxx? You can usually find my right hand on the presets flipping through 96.5, 98.9, 100.3 and 102.1. You can find my left hand on the steering wheel because I am ambidextrous. Ladies call me! PEW PEW PEW

4. Use Sign Language - You never know when you will need to utilize this skill, so I try to have conversations with myself while driving. One time though, these gentlemen in West Philadelphia took umbrage to my signing and I had to beat a hasty retreat. The Taurus is bullet proof so its still fly, dont worry.



5. Make Lemonade - You know how they say "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade?". Well I fully subscribe to that idea but I add "in your car" after the word 'make' and I have a personal addendum of "after robbing neighborhood stands". Its simple; knock off some idiot kids pushing weak refreshments, 'reorganize' their stand (to your own pocket), then drive around squeezing your own juice for distribution. What else could be easier?


6. Play That Vibration Football-Type Game Thing Stuff - Im not really sure what team Im playing with or how you even do anything with this game, but this is the ultimate time-waster. I can be doing 70 on 309 South going home and be DEADLOCKED with the other team at a 0-0 tie. Its almost like soccer but with more scoring and less diving. At least in this game they have a reason to fall over. Its called gravity bitches.


7. Make Replica Ships in a Bottle - Now this can be done with or without a bearded man. The guy in the picture told me that he had free candy and puppies back at his house that he would give me if I gave him a ride without pants on. I kept my end of the deal and this shiester didnt even have a bottle to build the ship in. And thats all I have to say about that.




8. Re-enact Dancing With the Stars Episodes - This one is really killer. I think there must be some kinds of fumes or shit blowing on my face in my car when this happens, cause all I want to do is dance. With a random stranger that sucks at driving. That makes me really angry. Usually Im the dominant partner in the dance but sometimes my partner will get feisty. Usually I end the dance right then with an elbow to the temple. Hint: Immobilization is a hot dance move!!



9. Play Skip-It - I have pretty long legs so let me offer that up to you as an explanation on how I can do this while driving. Ive only done it once and the thing around my ankle was a lead ball and chain, but it still counts. Let just say that the Renaissance Fair took offense to my groping and digiting of their fair maidens. Plus they were all a bunch of dorks in costumes in the summer heat. Advantage? rdfiii.

That being said, Im sure I could think of many more things I do in my car, notably change my pants after sharting or cooking up a Jenkum lab. My creative juices have run out of me and that is in no way related to my visitation of Tube8 a few minutes ago. I went in with a bang and went out with a dribble...This is my most recent blog post (fireworks and galaxies explode, raining Megan Fox's and hundred dollar bills on people).

3 comments:

jemainejones33 said...

Your car was also used as a get away vehicle for stealing cases of soda from gas stations. GOT EM

Patrick said...

and playing the swerve game

RDFIII said...

Keep your dirty liberal comments to yourself 'Patrick'.

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