RIP King of Pop


Michael Jackson B. 1959 D. 2009

As you all know by now Michael Jackson died yesterday as the result of a heart attack at age 50. His is survived by 3 chimps, an elephant, a few giraffes, Tito, and some rhinestone gloves. Ill remember Michael Jackson for a multitude of things. His music was awesome but his personal life was just plain weird. I wonder if his pee-pee is still black? Did it retain its size after Michael went white? So many unanswered questions about this music legend. Sucks for all the people he owed money to though. I wonder if he faked his own death. Conspiracy theories are sure to pop up. If I have time later Ill whip up a quick 5 Awesome Friday, smell ya later (grabs crotch and moonwalks away.)

5 Awesome Friday


Sorry for the lack of updates this week, I should have just popped in and wrote for 5 or 10 minutes once or twice for small entries, but I was busy at work and I get the feeling no one really cares about my personal thoughts. That being said, on with the awesomeness:

1. HEY!

For some reason this video really cracked me up. The randomness combined with the different voices just made me really enjoy it. If you have a few minutes to spare and dont feel like thinking, give it a watch. Plus dinosaurs are totally fucking awesome.

2. Snapple Peach Mangosteen

This is my favorite Jewish flavor of Snapple. Actually mangosteen is not Jewish, but a very rare fruit from Indonesia. Supposedly it sells for $45+ per pound in New York City because the maturation, shipping and storage of the fruit is very fickle. The wiki page has all sorts of big words and bullshit taxonomy terms, so here is a description I found on Wegman's website for it:

"All natural ingredients with vitamins A, C & E. Made from the best stuff on Earth. Naturally flavored peach mangosteen juice drink with other natural flavors. 10% Juice. Rumor has it that Queen Victoria of England offered knighthood to anyone who could bring her a Mangosteen in edible condition. Easy enough, you say? Malarkey! This fruit soon became known as the queen of fruits. What makes it so precious is that when discovered, it required 5 years to grow in extreme tropical conditions in far-off lands. It's no picnic to harvest, either: The usual method is to climb the tree to avoid letting the fruit hit the ground or be handled roughly. Oh, and did we mention that Snapple Peach Mangosteen has immunity building qualities? Enjoy, your majesty."

The best part was when they said "Malarkey!". If I wrote my own review it would go a little something like this:

"This is one of the most delicious juice drinks I have ever imbibed. This guy who knows tons of stuff about rare fruit told me that Jesus created this fruit as a by product of one of his miracles. He teleported to the tropical forests of Indonesia and planted the leftover seeds, then jizzed all over the ground where he planted them. The end result was the devine fruit you are enjoying today. If you are a dude and you are worried that its gay to be drinking it because of how Jesus fertilized it, dont worry, its totally not gay. Even if it was, the ends justify the means. Fag."

To buy 12 of these for $19.95 (+ s/h), click here. You could probably just go to any local store and buy 12 @ $1.79 each and pay $22.77 total, but ordering things through the mail is much more fun. Especially when you pay shipping costs for a 20 lb. box of liquid and glass! UPS will have a field day with that, so buy the insurance!

3. International Sushi Day was yesterday and I celebrated by getting a few rolls for lunch. 4 Pieces each of salmon roll, tuna roll, and spicy tuna roll (with these crunchy flakes of god knows what on top) and a salad (with the awesome ginger dressing) for $8.99. Thats a pretty good deal but I still dont understand why sushi is so expensive. Its rice, seaweed, vegetables, and a small portion of fish. It is sort of labor intensive, but still, it should be cheaper. Let me break down some of the sushi rolls I am familiar with:

California rolls are good for beginners and also because you basically cant fuck it up, I used to love these but I have opened my horizons. Dont get me wrong, I still will eat them no questions asked, and sometimes when you go to a Chinese buffet, they will have this as an option. I like to call this "sushi with training wheels".

Philadelphia rolls are one of my all-time favorites. A lot of people dont really like the idea of combining cream cheese and raw salmon, but its really really good. The soft, creaminess of the cheese is a good contrast with the other ingredients. If you were an assassin and used this dish to get the job done on your mark, I bet it would be called a Killadelphia roll. LOLZZZZZZZZZZZ.

My new favorite rolls are spicy tuna rolls. They must take the tuna and finely dice it and then mix it in a spicy paste, because the filling is very different from regular tuna. Its not overly spicy, but it has a good heat to it and is even better if you get crunchy spicy tuna. If a Viking had to pick a choice of sushi, this might not be it, but he certainly wouldnt complain.

One of the more extravagant rolls I have had so far is called a spider roll. Its softshell crab rolled with rice and fish roe and its delicious to the power of mouthwatering. It comes with this special sauce that they drizzle over it. Im not sure whats in it (probably gross fish parts) but its like a thin chipolte mayo with an Asian twist. Two of the pieces come with a HUGE piece of softshell crab (pictured) which is also great. Its hard to fit it all in your mouth, but your mom gave me some tips on how to do it because shes good at stuff like that.

4. Atlantic City is a great place if you like gambling, drinking, or hookers. My uh, friend, um, told me that you go to Lexington Avenue if you are in the market for some pay by the hour love. Im going to Atlantic City tonight and Im really pumped. I havent been there yet this spring/summer so it will be good to see a lot of people I went to college with. Im staying at the Trump Marina with some friends, so not only will the room be fairy inexpensive, I also wont have to sleep in a ditch like usual. Ha just kidding, I sleep in the backseat of my car. Ok kidding again, but I did actually do that once...and I used my graduation gown as a blanket/cover. The Marina looks pretty baller:

On the other side there is the Marina part...which means boats, docks, and water. I hope I dont get too intoxicated and try to steal a boat. On the otherhand I hope I do and it becomes a high speed chase up and down the Jersey Coast. High speed chases are always 10x better if there is an ongoing shoot-out, so maybe Ill pawn some stuff in the seedy part of AC and get a burner.

During the night, I think we are going this place The Chelsea, which is a new Hotel/Lounge/Goofy neon eyesore. A friend who is a promoter is getting us guest listed, so I can save money on the overpriced cover to put it towards overpriced drinks. You win some you lose some. Still should be awesome. Not sure if Im going to gamble (because alcohol + gambling = bad decisions) but who knows, unpredictable is my confirmation name. I bet these lights attract a lot of moths:

5. Father's Day Phillies game. I think this is the sixth or seventh straight and probably 10+ overall Father's Day Phillies game I have been to. The hats are usually pretty interesting and I think this is the third bucket hat I will be getting from the promo giveaway. I cant find a picture online, so I had to take a screenshot of it:

Now I already have a khaki Phillies bucket hat...but this one is better because of the American flag style 'P'. Patriotism rules! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! They are playing the Baltimore Orioles and everyone knows they are the most communist team in the AL. Fuck you Baltimore.

On a more serious note, I really enjoy Father's Day. I really look up to and admire my dad but he is really hard to buy presents for. If he sees something he wants he usually just buys it on the spot, thats just the way he is. I remember being 13 or 14 and I told him how hard it is and he told me simply getting to hang out just me and him was the best present I could get him. I still like buying him a gift, but I always make myself available for Father's Day no matter what and love getting to hang out just the two of us. So for all 6 of you readers out there, spend some time with your dad and enjoy it, because no matter how your relationship is, deep down he loves you more than anything and couldnt be prouder of you. Play ball!

5 Awesome Friday


1. Ten High. Best bang for your buck bourbon boys buy. Semi-aliterative sentences are awesome too. Im going to baptize my children in this.

2. Jay-Z "Death of Autotune (DOA)". Another single from Blueprint:3. Personally, I have been saying this for a few months now and know a lot of other people felt the same way. Autotune can sound cool if its done right with a good beat, but it has jumped the shark

3. Spicy Mustard. Today my manager bought us all soft pretzels to enjoy while we had our quarterly meeting. The only problem was that the only mustard provided was generic yellow French's mustard. Not only does the manufacturer share a name with one of the suckiest countries that ever did suck, the mustard itself is terrible. I would rather put a mixture of hobo sweat and jellified swine flu on my food than use this stuff. My mainstay is Gulden's Spicy Mustard, but recently I found this awesome horseradish infused mustard:

The actual jar I have has a sick racing stripe and doubles as a blunt object good for bludgeoning someone to death. Especially those someones who bring terrible regular mustard.

4. Funny spam email subject lines. Today I clicked on my spam folder for the first time in I dont know how long (1589 unread spam emails) and saw some funny ones. I took a screensnap for you. Obviously they were all viruses and penis pill offers so I only opened the best one, but you get the picture. This is from the first 3 pages (75 total spam emails):

1. Says "Give squish mittens DUE attention"

2. Says "Click or cats gonna die"

1. Says "Need hard instrument, man?"

2. Says "find how to drill her better"

3. Says "For non-muslim users only"

4. Says "Baroness always whizgiggled at me"

1. Says "Look at this glorious shit"

2. Says "Greetings, are you online"

3. Says "Incredible Hulk's choice is the new Incredible Cialis"

5. Buttburger. No words can describe this awesomeness.

Mmmmmm buttburger...

So what Dojo are you from?


I saw this youtube video on another blog and it instantly made my morning 100x better. Do you remember the first bonus stage in Street Fighter II where you had to destroy the car? Well this is some sort of mongoloid Ryu doing a real life reenactment. It starts off pretty slow and unfunny while he is ripping head lights out, but it immediately zooms off into hilariousity when he starts dropping flying elbows on the hood. *SPOILER ALERT* he lights the car on fire in the end but its not that cool and there wasnt any explosions. I was expecting at least one HADUKEN!! but I was sorely disappointed. Here is a screen cap I took of my favorite part. He borrows a move from Mario 64 and does a jumping butt-crush on the top of the car:

Everyone knows that E. Honda was the best for this bonus stage cause you could just keep doing that one move where he karate chops real quick over and over. I guess Blanca was also good if you used the electric shock move over and over, but that dude was green and not entirely human, and I only fuck with normal ninjas. PS Dhalsim was a pussy.

In other ninja news, this is a pretty old video, but I felt like putting it up anyway. You may recognize Afro Ninja somewhere in there. The other dudes are prime examples of Real Ultimate Power:

Basketball Jones


As it stands right now, I currently am in only one basketball league...which sucks. My handsome squad lost last night in the semi-finals of our 4-on-4 indoor league by 10. We didnt play our best game, so it was sort of frustrating to go out like that. Im going to try to get into the summer version of the same league, so hopefully I can make up for it. I havent had any good ideas for blogs lately, so I figured I would do a smorgasbord of basketball stuff. Like this:

KA-POW! Take that you little running asshole.

If that didnt get your heart racing and your pants tenting, here is a clip of when AI crossed up Jordan:

He should send me royalty checks for teaching him those moves back when we were on the grind in "Da Bad News", Newport News, VA.

I love wearing basketball jerseys on and off the court, but preferably off the court...while at outdoor grilling/drinking festivities. This is my go to jersey to wear in such a situation:

My main man Dr. J works the ladies into a frenzy. It also helps you eat beer cans. Picture proof:


Another jersey I like to wear is this Melo jersey from when he was a young buck at Syracuse.

The only reason Im mentioning this one is because I got it for $15 at the Nittany Mall. Talk about savings!!

Here is my favorite jersey...that I cant find a good picture of. Its a LeBron Nike 2007 FIBA jersey. This one is so crispy that I only wear it to weddings and when the pope visits. I hope to one day be wearing this when I concieve my first child. Here is a stupid partial view of it:

Nike has made a lot of sweet basketball commercials, but this one that came out a few years ago is pretty bad ass. One time after watching it, I was so pumped up that I dunked a basketball with my nutsack.

This is a still frame of Kobe getting socked in the neck by Chris Childs for no reason whatsoever:

One time during my senior year of basketball these paparazi were trying to get an up-short shot of my nuts (they heard about the dunk incident mentioned earlier) and snapped this picture. It ended up on the front page of the newspaper. The heading reads "Knights not afraid of Ghosts". You probably wont understand that unless you are from the Philadelphia area and know about Abington.

If you remember the first season of Flavor of Love or I Love Money, you will remember Nicole Alexander, aka "Hoopz". This is Nicole doing what she loves:

Yep, she loves being scantily clad and giving me the "lets bang" eyes. I think its real gross that she hooked up with Flav but I would still play some "one on one" with her if you catch my drift heh heh heh. Or I would totally "take it to the hole" on her heh heh heh. And I would "double dribble" her boobs heh heh heh. Plus I would need more than "3 seconds" in her lane heh heh heh. Then I would ejaculate on her face. Heh heh heh.

Depending on how "with it" you are when it comes to internet viral videos, here is one of a few that are circulating around with Charlie Murphy as some basketball guru. The best part is when there are explosions.

I cant find a video for this, but if anyone had the Space Jam soundtrack, there was an awesome song with Chris Rock and Barry White called "Basketball Jones". Such an odd colaboration produced a very very funny song. Since I cant find a video, here is a link that you can click. Prepare to have your eardrums POSTERIZED.

Speaking of Space Jam, the shoes pictured next are my favorite pair of Jordans ever. I actually even own a pair. I think they are fake thought because I bought them two years ago and they were only $75. They still look real...but dont really feel real since the sole inserts tore out after 2 weeks of playing in them.

Lastly, I want to share with you a youtube video I have shared with many people many times, so consider yourselves ordinary. This is a video I made with a friend that showcases our white boy verticals and even some sweet crip walking in the middle of the video. Let the soothing sounds of Method Man and Redman's DA ROCKWILDER carry you away into Dunktopia.

The comment section is funny. Some dude calls us "fat dick hoes".

In other basketball related news, I have a game tonight, 7pm, at the Oreland courts. Come out and support myself and my teammates as we try to bounce back from a loss on Monday. Ladies, please keep your tops on until after the game, because it is very distracting and arousing.

5 Awesome Friday


I figured I would start something new here where every Friday I will post 5 cool things that will totally blow your mind and/or melt your face off. If you dont think these things are awesome then go fly a kite with your debate team.

1. Lil Wayne just came out with a song about Kobe. I heard this on Power99 last night and was bumpin' it as I sped down the youtube version Weezy comes in around the :50 second mark. I suggest you listen to this while drinking a 40 at an inner city basketball court. Make friends with the locals by bringing extra & also possibly a marijuana cigar.

2. Today is National Donut Day. I used to love them as a kid but dont really eat that many anymore. If you want some history about this magical day, check this site out. Its still pretty early in the morning, but Ive already learned my one new thing for the day. Do you know why donuts have holes in the middle of them? Its because it allows them to cook more evenly. All these years Ive just assumed that the bakers were perverts and handled the food in unsanitary manners...if you catch my drift. My favorite donut is pictured below. If you dont know that it is a Boston creme then you either are retarded or like jelly donuts. Not the food. The one wear you blow a dude and then he rocks you in the jaw. Suck on that.

The Boston creme donut is the state donut of Massachusetts, something I also didnt know. What is the state donut of Pennsylvania? Not sure, but if they name it after the state's best city, Philadelphia, it will most likely contain cheese wiz or empty bullet casings. Possibly even served with a side of murder sauce.

3. D-Day. On June 6th, 1944, the largest amphibious invasion force EVER was launched against the heavily fortified northern coast of France. By the end of the day American, Canadian, and British forces held a foothold in Axis territory and thus marked a turning point in World War II. 195,000 men in 5,000 would leave English harbors that day, with 160,000 of those men making beach landings. Ive read many books about WWII and D-Day in particular and the size and scope of this operation and the planning/training that went into it is mind boggling. Tomorrow is the 65th anniversary of the landings and I for one hold great esteem for the day. Many of our relatives had a part in the war effort and I applaud all Allied soldiers who sacrificed themselves for freedom. Learn more here and also watch the opening beach scene from Saving Private Ryan:

4. Time Machines are totally kick-ass. If I had a time machine the first thing I would do is go back in time and make a ton of sports bets and stock moves. Then I would come back to present day and roll around in my huge Scrooge Mcduck style vault on top of all my riches. After I had the present day riches secured, I would start having some fun with it. I would like to go back in time and punch Hitler right in the face. I would go back and rail Cleopatra. I would go back and play practical jokes on cavemen. The possibilities are endless. To be honest I would mostly use it to go back and bang hot historical chicks. And not even use a condom! Here is what H.G. Wells' wanted his time machine to look like:
Mine would be at least 100x sweeter than this. First off, I would throw some spinners on it even though it doesnt have wheels, but spinners are key when it comes to time travel. Next, I would install a mini-fridge stocked with peach snapple and premade Italian hoagies, because everyone knows they dont have that shit in the past. Plus time travel makes you hungry. Lastly, I would install some sort of machine gun on top, just in case people from the past try to kill me. I know I just said lastly, but I would also stock the cargo area with extra machine gun ammunition and probably a couple of grenades.

This is sort of related, but I was just thinking what if you had to go to the bathroom while you were traveling through time? If you just took a dump off the side while in transit, would your dump randomly appear at some point in history? Like some serf in 1300s France gets hit in the head with a big brown log from my lower intestine. What about if I peed off the side? Would my pee just appear over the course of hundreds of years as Im traveling? If anyone reading is an expert on Quantum Physics and the effects of defecating off the side of a time machine, please comment.

5. Tokyo Flash watches. This company makes all these futuristic watches that dont use normal analog or digital ways to portray the time. Example:

See I think these look cool as fuck. I wouldnt really care if I couldnt tell the time since I always have my cell phone on me. These watches are conversation starters. If I ever buy a Tokyo Flash watch, I imagine the following happening:

(loud music is playing at a bar while our hero sips a bourbon & cola)
Hot ass chick who looks like Mila Kunis: Hey thats an interesting watch
Me: Yeah it is.
Her: How do you tell what time it is?
Me: Super brain power and an assortment of algorithms.
Her: So what time is it right now?
Me: Time for us to bone...right here...right now.
Her: That sounds like the best idea I have ever heard. But only because you have such an interesting watch. I also like your cologne, Is that what pure awesomeness smells like?
Me: Stop talking so much bitch.

So as you can see, there are really no downsides of owning a watch like this. Except its like $150. One day, I will have this watch though. All the loose change I save everyday is going to be purely for this. On top of that, Im going to try to put aside $5 per week so Im thinking by mid-Fall Ill have this watch. Ill even post pictures of it on my sexy wrist to prove it.

Next Friday Ill post about five more awesome things. If you have any suggestions, email me or leave them in the comments. Also, I am unsure about what I should have for lunch. You can also leave a suggestion about that. But do it soon, its almost lunchtime.

Longtime no blog


Whats up, first and foremost let me apologize for lack of updates. I have been really busy at work and didnt want to put up some subpar material. This is a very sincere apology (wanking motion). This blog is probably less than a month old, and already I want to switch some stuff up. Ive decided that I will still do entries like the ones before, with the lists and pictures and specific themes, but not as frequently as before. I want to be able to just pop in when I have ten minutes of free time and bang out a post of what Ive been pondering lately. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy making big posts with pictures and stuff, but with work being as hectic as it is and the internet not set up at home yet, it just isnt feasible. That being said, this is whats been up with me lately...

Work. Basketball. Manayunk.

Ive been working 45-50 hours a week, Im currently in two basketball leagues, and Ive been having a blast with the warmer weather in Manayunk. Work is work, so Ill spare you that explanation. For basketball, my awesome/handsome team won on Monday night in the quarterfinals meaning we play for a spot in the championship next Monday. Ive played in the Total Body League twice before and have come away with the 'chip twice, so Im not trying to break the streak. Tonight, an outdoor league, in Oreland, I am playing in kicks off at 7. Its calling for rain but I said fuck that noise and did an anti-rain dance in the parking lot. This one woman thought I was playing "air hackeysack". Ok neither of those events happened, but its funny to pretend it did. Lastly, living in Manayunk is awesome. Everything is within walking distance, there are lots of bars/restaurants, and tons of cute girls. Maybe Ill talk to a few of them sometime.

I cant really think of anything else to write about now, so Im going to show you two things that I bought today from since they were having a big sale:

They are only $50 bucks and are pretty different from any shoe that Ive had before. I like the look of the patent leather and overall color scheme, so hopefully cute girls will like them too. Maybe they will like them so much that they will correlate the size of the shoes on my feet to the size of other parts of my body. Psst...I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also bought this duffel bag. Its a big one and it was only $20 so I figured why not. Plus I dont currently own such a bag, nor have I for the last 3-4 years. Im not even lying. I used to go on canning trips or weekend jaunts using either a milk crate or a brown paper grocery bag. Sometimes I would class it up and put my belongings in a school bag. Now its straight high class with this baby.

Im sure most people have read the customer reviews for the three wolf t-shirt but if you havent, check the link out. Its so its SFW. I had thought about leaving a comment about the duffel bag because its such a random object and doesnt really need a review. You could be like "I put all my stuff in it then zipped it up. I also used the straps to carry it wherever I was going. A+++++", ya know? Its a duffel bag, you shove your shit into it then proceed to take things out when needed. Here are some reviews I was thinking about leaving:

"Can fit a whole dead hooker inside"

"I was able to fit $87,000 in one-dollar bills in this thing! Pac-Man aint got shit on me with his hefty bag!"

"Feeds family of 5 for a week. Straps are a little dry. Drink a white wine with this product"

"I used this to smuggle drugs through air security. Contents visible through x-ray scan. Do not buy."

"Ive been homeless for a year and this is the only bag I would endorse."

Also, in addition to winning the basketball game on Monday, I also won two other things. I won a $25 gift certificate in the monthly drawing to the pizza place, Santucci Brothers and also a free OPEN BAR (my two favorite words) at Mad River, from 8-10 on Friday. So if anyone wants to eat some pizza with me or poison their livers hit me up. Lastly, this weekend is the Manayunk Bike Race. Should be a weekend-long party so drop a line if you will be in the area. Im having a party at my house Sunday, so bring your drinking pants.