Where'd You Get This Post, the Toilet Store?


I bet you have never even sat down and stopped to think about toilets and what they say about their owner. Did you know there might be at least one toilet for every citizen of the United States? Wouldnt that be cool if I just didnt make it up or say "might". You cant argue with facts. Id like to let you, the reader, take a stroll with me back in time to this morning, when the toilet seed was planted in my fertile brain.

I felt the need to utilize the facilities this morning at work so I stood up from my desk and strolled to the closest restroom. On the way out, I was passed by George* who was rubbing his pants vigorously on his slacks since normal paper towels apparently arent as absorbant as his cotton-twill dockers. Both urinals were occupied so I made a beeline to the handicap (I like room while I pee) and noticed the water was still running in the toilet. I came to the conclusion that George* just made a bowel movement just moments earlier before passing by me. My conclusion was solidified when I saw brown racing stripes on the submerged porcelain and was slightly overwhelmed by the smell of said movement. One problem, the seat was up. Was George's ass so big that he couldnt sit on the seat? Was he a hoverer? Does he know some new cool way to poop and Im still doing it the old fashioned way? With all this running through my mind as I was urinating, it struck me as a great topic to write about.

Since I didnt really want to blog about George and his BM my mind wandered towards other things dealing with toilets. Should I write about how port-o-potties are always gross or how it seems like there is no toilet paper when you really need it? Or should I write about bidets are fucking weird and totally European. Nope, none of the above. Here is what I decided on:

Your Toilet and What it Says About You

by I.P. Freerly

Regular toilet - You are an average person. You pee a bunch of times a day and most likely poop once a day too. Twice if you like fiber. You may read a book or a magazine while doing your business, but your main goal is to be in an out at a leisurely pace. Congratulations on being boring.

Diamond toilet - You are really rich. So rich that you decided to encrust diamonds on your already crusty abode. You might even have a similar amount of money as I do after my ad revenue kicks in. You probably have a snotty attitude though and are not pleasant to be around. You hire people to read books to you and also wipe your ass. If you probably wouldnt sue me for all my worldly possessions I would give you a swirly. Rich douche bag.

Outhouse: This is the other end of the spectrum. If you are using an outhouse you fall under one of the following categories: From the deep rural south, from a third world country, or you are the Unibomber. You literally sit on a wooden bench and shit in a hole in the ground. The plus side of that is you have some sweet Stars n' Bars flag toilet paper and make some good moonshine. The South will rise again!

Space Toilet: I didnt really ever think about these but I guess they exist, so here goes. You are an astronaut. Good for you overachiever. I hope the airlock doesnt suck your dick into space. Say hi to Gleitsmann's race if you see them.

Monster Truck Toilet: You are a multitasker. You are all things awesome since you can relieve yourself while crushing cars. One time, you were stuck in traffic and had a really important date to get to so instead of waiting in traffic like a sissy, you just drove over every car in your way. While taking a shit in the back toilet. The truck is operable from the throne because there is a hidden steering wheel idiot. To top it off your fiery exhaust burned all the crushed vehicles and incinerated their trapped occupants. The toilet is stainless steel and is also American made. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So there you have it. 99% of people fall under one of these categories. If you dont you are probably a fucking weirdo. Happy flushings.

*Not his real name. Its Teddy.


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