The Alien Vampire Robot Comes to Philly


This Friday a good friend of mine, Kevy G, is coming to stay at my house for the weekend. He hails from Waldorf, Maryland but is suspected to be from another planet. Extremely sheltered before getting to Penn State, Kevy G has come out of his shell. His hobbies include lifting weights, wearing small t-shirts, and watching Nip/Tuck. He also enjoys a tiny couch. This is me and Kevy G chilling on a friend's couch. This couch is special to me because I sharted on it this one time.

I have known Kevy G for close to five years. In that time, I have compiled a list of things he irrationally hates. They include: babies, unicorns, mayonnaise, and Halloween. He also has irrational love for somethings too. They include: dead baby jokes, vouchers, gorges, gargoyles, troglodytes, and boneless wings from Wings Over Happy Valley. He is a enigma wrapped in a puzzle wrapped in a level 10 sudoku puzzle.

Kevy G is a pro football freak. He even has a blog by the same title. Its on my sidebar link list, so I definitely recommend you checking it out if you want your brain totally melted from awesome professional football commentary. If his blog was a person and that person had a slogan it would be "Get money and fuck bitches...profootballfreak style". It would even print it on bumper stickers and hand them out at blogger conventions.

Anyway, Kevy G is taking a train on Friday from Washington, DC to Philadelphia where my roommate, Jimmy is picking him up from 30th Street Station. I was all like "AYO Jimmy! Kevy G is coming to town" and he was all like:

So he was surprised to say the least. We have plans on Friday night to head to:

Which is where I currently reside. Terrace Street Bombers represent. Since a lot of our friends live in and around the area and also enjoy hanging out with Kevy G, we should have an awesome turnout. Here are some dudes who I presume to be coming:

Adam Scott:

Ben T. Lee:

Young Harris:

The Bungler:

Notorious P.A.T.:


Madam Chetter:

Fackin' Hags:

Eppppppppstein. Wait, Epstein? Hes not going to be there. (mega frown)

Donny (far right, pointing at bum):

Ok I dont know why I put the last picture up since two of the four people wont be there this weekend. Hint: Its Kanoff and the sleeping homeless man from Pisa.

So Friday night were all going to congregate in one of our backyards and catch up with our old friend. Most likely, we'll get a handle or two of vodka, some solo cups, ice, and plastic shot glasses and stand around a table. After we have assembled the accoutremon, we will fill one solo cup with ice and vodka then use another empty solo cup to strain the mixture into plastic shot glasses. I prefer red solo cups. We will then repeat the process as many times possible until the liquor runs out. Once its all gone its time for some hood-rat shit.

Saturday, we are on a mission to get Kevy G one of these bad boys:

Most likely we'll go to Dalessandro's and get one, but there are plenty of other options. I, myself, think Chubby's across the street is good and there is always Jim's on South Street. Another option is hitting up Steve's. Leave a comment if you have any other good suggestions or wish to offer your sister to me to join my harem.

Also, we might hook Kevy G up with some other Philly staples, such as:

I really wanted to hit up a BYO all-you-can-eat sushi place Saturday night but I think people have shot down my idea. This looks pretty good though.

Saturday night will be more debauchery in either Manayunk again or Center City. Ill provide details later of what happened but chances are I wont remember it. This is what could happen:

This is Kevy G (incognito) getting freaky on the dance floor with some college co-ed. She gave him a rusty trombone later this night and left him with a mean case of cock-burn. She had mad callouses on her hand. Nasty bitch!

This is an altered picture of Kevy describing how many girls he MACKED on while in the 215.

The ladies truly fight for his delight. I am hoping for an awesome weekend chock full of Kevy G and the hilarious things he says or does. Hopefully someone will have a digital camera so I can post some pictures and also video of his stay this weekend. Please stay tuned. If you want to text him random things his phone number is 301-643-5299.


Katie said...

If I didnt know you this post would seem awful gay! I vote Dalessandros duh....were hittin that up tomorrow to celebrate Willies Grad.

Patrick said...

Ask him if he knows the person at 301-672-9262. They left me a message earlier and it sounded like someone was about to get shot.

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