Swine Flu Blues


"Look what I done did, Pa!"

The media and public are in a frenzy right now about this so-called swine flu outbreak. Mexicans, vacationers, and scrapple aficionados everywhere are literally DYING over this silly pig sickness. Lets start with what we know about swine flu compared with regular flu:

Swine Flu

Symptoms: Runny nose, sore throat, fever, aches, chills, vomiting, diarrhea.
Origin: Mexico
Deaths: 150+ in Mexico
Pros: Free 7-10 day extra stay in Mexico. Free antibiotics.
Cons: 7-10 day quarantine in Mexico. Death. Cant eat pork tacos.

Regular Flu

Symptoms: Runny nose, sore throat, fever, aches, chills, vomiting, diarrhea.
Origin: Unknown. First report was by Hippocrates 2400 years ago.
Deaths: Hundreds of thousands per year. Millions in pandemic years.
Pros: Sweet facemasks. No school for a few days. Maybe a hummer from a lonely night nurse if you are in the hospital.
Cons: Body aches and general discomfort from fever for a few days. Death if you live in a shitty third world country or are a geriatric living alone.

I guess its just me, but the only reason I can see the panic over this swine flu is because people are so concerned about Mexican citizens dying. Or the reason that its a highly mutateable affliction that human beings may have little resistance to. Like SARs or avian flu. Either way, on paper it seems that the regular flu is way more destructive. I saw on TV this story about some family in Texas that had contracted it and were totally fine after a few days. The story would have been 10x better if it was about a family of strippers who didnt get sick but had an overwhelming urge to get naked at the building where I work at in Pennsylvania. Pretty much every story would be better like that. I guess what really bothers me about swine flu is how susceptible people are to panic. For the record, I took some grilled pork chops and sliced them real thin to have pork fajitas for dinner last night. Am I dead or dying or Mexican? No, I even went into work an hour early today. Time and a half bitches.

You want some real panic? Here are some real deal epidemics:

The Motaba Virus

Symptoms: Coughing, congestion, blood coming out of your mucus membranes, and Dustin Hoffman sightings.
Origin: That cute little monkey that traveled on a boat from Africa to California.
Deaths: ~100. Plus a bunch of African villagers.
Pros: All expenses paid free trip to a military hospital. An autograph from Renee Russo.
Cons: You literally bleed out every hole in your body for the last 48 hours of your life. Not covered by most HMO providers.

Poop your pants factor: 10x that of Swine Flu. I take solace in the fact Cuba Gooding Jr. is such a slick shot w/ the tranq gun. Take that outbreak monkey!

Rage Virus

Symptoms: Uncontrollable aggression and unquenchable blood lust. Inability to speak English. Hissing & spitting.
Origin: England.
Deaths: ~99% of the population of England
Pros: No longer have any sort of need for money or status symbols. Can do whatever you want.
Cons: Walking target for British military. Covered in blood. Reduced sexual drive.

Poop your pants factor: 100x that of Swine Flu. Think of all those goofy English accents you will never get to make fun of again.


Symptoms: Obesity. Extreme flatulence.
Origin: America.
Deaths: One. Eddie Murphy's career.
Pros: Is semi-amusing the first time
encountering it. Will keep kids you are babysitting entertained for a few hours.
Cons: Wondering where those two hours of your life went.

Poop your pants factor: 1000x that of Swine Flu. Led to Norbert and also Tyler Perry's whole career.

I think XKCD puts it best when it comes to this ridiculousness. Bonus points: takes shots at idiots on twitter. Double zing!

In conclusion, shake hands with as many Mexicans as you can and keep going back for 4ths on undercooked pork products because it could be a lot worse. Now if you'll excuse me my bacon stuffed sausage with canadian bacon gravy sandwich (with scrapple as bread) is ready.


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