The 5th of the Mayo

Happy 5th of May amigos. Now before you start getting all crazy with your Coronas w/ lime or margaritas w/ Jose Cuervo, I need you to understand the culture behind this great Mexican holiday. We as Americans have bastardized this day into a drinking fest, sort of like St. Patrick's Day or Arbor Day but that is not what it is all about. This glorious day represents the blood, sweat, and pinatas the citizens of Mexico have endured over the years. Gather 'round children, let Senor Russito spin you a story of how Cinco de Mayo came to fruition. Actually Ill let Wikipedia give you some background and I will expound on it, mang.

"In 1861, Mexico ceased making interest payments to its main creditors. In response, in late 1861, France (and other European countries) attacked Mexico to try to force payment of this debt. France decided that it would try to take over and occupy Mexico. France was successful at first in its invasion; however, on May 5, 1862, at the city of Puebla, Mexican forces were able to defeat an attack by the larger French army. In the Battle of Puebla, the Mexicans were led by General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín. Although the Mexican army was victorious over the French at Puebla, the victory only delayed the French invasion of Mexico City; a year later, the French occupied Mexico. The French occupying forces placed Maximilian I on the throne of Mexico. The French, under U.S. pressure, eventually withdrew in 1866-1867. Maximilian was executed by President Benito Juarez, five years after the Battle of Puebla."

Now if you ask me thats pretty bad ass. Those idiot French thought they could be all bad ass in Mexico but that was certainly not the case. No surprise at the French surrender though. After talking to my dad's landscaper, I found out that this is like Mexico's version of our 4th of July, although it is made of lesser quality material in unsafe factory conditions. They usually light fireworks or shoot pistols into the air for no reason down in Mexico so its not entirely like our 4th of July, but it is important nonetheless. I went on an inner spiritual journey to determine what I appreciate most about Mexico. See cheap manual labor and delicious hand-picked fruit seems like a cop-out to me, so I tried to go even deeper. This one is for you Danny Trejo.

"Stuff That Gets Me Hard About Mexico"

We'll start at the top and go clockwise around this masterpiece.

1. Mexican Flag - I sort of just added this in along with the map in the background to avoid any confusion with any other Spanish speaking country. The flag is sorta cool because it has an eagle. Eagles are fierce.

2. Dirty Mexican Shwag - Its actually a picture of hops since I cant really do google image searches at work about Mary J. Thank you Mexico for growing this stuff so people can afford to not be not low at a reasonable price.

3. Che Guevera - This dude was an important revolutionary figure in ... uh ... Cuba? On top of that he is from Argentina. This is my bad, but I couldnt take him out of the picture with out starting over. He met Fidel Castro in Mexico though, so I guess it is semi-relevant. Killer locks man.

4. Speedy Gonzelez - This mouse was very very fast and also had miniature firearms to fire around when excited. The word "Arriba" means "turtle" in Spanish. He also had a cousin named Slowpoke Rodriguez who was some sort of retarded pot head mouse. Stereotypes in early cartoons are awesome.

5. Mayan Pyramids - Apocalypto was such a sweet movie. This pyramid wasnt in the actual movie, but I bet Jaguar Paw railed his wife on the steps a few times after he was a big movie star.

6. Salma Hayek - Her tits are ridiculous and so is her ass. On top of that she is good looking and has a sexy accent. One time I had a dream she was serving me steak & shrimp fajitas while I was sitting on a sweet beach in Mexico. Also she was naked and we had intercourse. Thank you Mexico. One time she breast-fed starving African babies too (with bonus video goodness). Her boobs are like the gifts that keep on giving.

7. Danny Trejo - This guy is the stereotypical Mexican badass. Remember him in the movie Desperado? He had like 56 throwing knives strapped around his body and flung them with deadly accuracy. Too bad he was mistaken for "El Mariachi" and eventually killed, but not before wasting like 15 henchmen. He was also the rapist on Con Air who was told that if his dick jumped out of his pants, he would be jumping out of the plane, by Cyrus the Virus.

8. Lucha Libre - This is 10000x better than the movie "Nacho Libre" with Jack Negro. I won tickets to that movie through 93.3 and I took my friend along. It was the suckiest sucky movie in the history of sucktacular suckfests. I actually fell asleep half way through and havent watched it to this day. I would like those six hours of my life back. Lucha libre is sweet because they are grown men in masks wrestling with each other for meager winnings.

9. Benecio Del Toro - His name means Benny the Bull. Who is the mascot for the Chicago Bulls. Michael Jordan played for the Bulls. He is awesome. Small word eh? Plus I think he also boned Scarlet Johanson. He was good in Traffic too.

10. Champagne Cola - If you havent tried this Goya-brand soda yet please do. It tastes like a cotton candy cream soda on acid. Well not on acid, I dont know why I said that. Its really good though. I know they sell it at WalMart next to the other Goya products (beans and shit) and its like 2/$.89. You cant afford NOT to stock up on this stuff.

11. Tacos - More specifically, Mexican food in general. If you know me, you know I am a major fan of Taco Bell, but thats not what Im talking about here. Im talking about genuine Mexican cuisine. Freshly made tortillas stuffed with grilled meats, melted cheese, and fresh vegetables is divine. I would eat authentic Mexican food out of an authentic Mexican's authentic asshole if I was hungry enough.

Hopefully everyone now has a bit more appreciation for Cinco de Mayo now. Wow...I just popped the stiching on my Docker's khakis from rereading my own list. Reader beware.