C.R.E.A.M.

I have been monitoring the traffic this blog has been getting over the last few days and have one question to ask myself. If I put ads on, would I be selling out or cashing in? The answer? Cashing in ya'll. I figure Ill be getting a few million unique hits a day fairly soon, so I decided to put some ads on my site for some cash flow. Now I know you are probably saying "But Russ what if you dont get a million hits, durrrrr" and shit like that but Im telling you now, this blog is going places. I am also looking for investors so I can add some sweet animation to my page or even get some sick HTML. Google says the ads should appear in 48 hours, so if you were thinking of telling India about me or some other huge base of readership, wait until then so I can collect some major cash flow from that. Until then, Ill be chilling out front of my new crib waiting to stack dough. Here is a picture my expensive photographer/publicist just took of me looking sweet and not taking shit from anyone:


And I know what you are thinking. Yes, those are my sacks of money and yes those are my stacks of money. This picture is 100% real (and Ballin'!!!!). You aint rich unless you own an ankylosaurus and whip 4 Rolls Royce Phantoms. My money is so long that Jay (not pictured, not wealthy enough) hand-delivered me my own Roc-A-Fella chain. Tell the Sultan of Dubai or Richard Branson to come see me cause I make them look like a third-world homeless person that somehow has negative money. And body odor. Broke bitches!!! Get at me if you need a loan or want to stay at the Russ-Mahal too.


Thumbnail if you want:

The full version is 100x more blinged out so click it.

Who's the Boss?

Tonight is the last Bruce Springsteen concert ever to be played at the Spectrum and both of my roommates are going. They deny its a man date but I can guarantee that some arm around shoulder crooning will happen at least once tonight. More like fifteen times, but lets move on. As it is well known, Bruce Springsteen is also known as "The Boss", but what makes his claim to the throne more legitimate than others that have gone by the same moniker. This prompted me to research some of the other great "Boss" men out there. For sake of ease and your short attention spans, Ill start with Bruce himself:

Bruce Springsteen

• From New Jersey (Born in the USA)
• 65 million albums sold in America alone
• 19 Grammy Awards
• Makes a mean crab dip
• Born to Run

Rick Ross

• Took name after notorious Miami coke dealer
• Middle name is Leonard
• Self-claimed biggest boss that you've seen thus far
• Hustles everyday
• Former corrections officer (hurts street cred)

Boss Tweed

• Undisputed leader of Tammany Hall
• Sits on throne of canvas sacks with dollar signs on them
• Embezzled from 1.5 to 8 billion dollars ($2009) from NYC
• Avid stamp collector
• Doesnt look both ways when crossing street

Tony Danza

• Successful sitcom star
• Can juggle chainsaws
• Once flipped his Go-Kart on live morning television
• May be half-retarded or Rocky Balboa's bastard child

Bowser

• The original Mario boss
• Can either throw hammers or spit fire
• Found in 8-bit displays of fury
• Loves scalding hot magma and trick bridges
• Wanted to have some sort of weird reptile sex w/ the Princess

Ross Geller

• Not really a boss at all, but his name rhymes with it
• Alter ego is David Schwimmer, no discernable differences
• Has a PHd in being a douche and made his first wife turn gay
• Has a hot sister that I would bone
• Gets punched in the face in real life all the time

I thought about setting this up, bracket style, but then I realized an old fashioned cage match would be a better way to decide this. Right off the bat Rick Ross opens fire on the competition with his double gold plated .50 cal Desert Eagles. Geller and Tweed fall immediately while Tony Danza injures his head in a ski incident. Bruce Springsteen lets loose with a barrage of unintelligible song lyrics about New Jersey which momentarily stun Rick Ross, quieting his "gats" for the time being. Bowser seems to realize that he is a prehistoric force to be reckoned with and goes berserk with fireballs, engulfing the ring in a huge conflagration. Since he can only be defeated by someone jumping on top of his head and the rest of the so-called "Bosses" are Colonel Sanders crisp, Bowser is your ultimate Boss in my opinion. Are you surprised? Look at the blog title and substitute "lasers" with "fire balls" and "cock" with "mouth". Boom roasted.

You can vote for whoever you want in the sexy ass comment section or vote in the poll. Preferably both. Just leave your name, favorite pizza topping, and who you think is the Boss. Note: You are wrong and retarded if you dont pick Bowser.

Swine Flu Blues

"Look what I done did, Pa!"

The media and public are in a frenzy right now about this so-called swine flu outbreak. Mexicans, vacationers, and scrapple aficionados everywhere are literally DYING over this silly pig sickness. Lets start with what we know about swine flu compared with regular flu:

Swine Flu

Symptoms: Runny nose, sore throat, fever, aches, chills, vomiting, diarrhea.
Origin: Mexico
Deaths: 150+ in Mexico
Pros: Free 7-10 day extra stay in Mexico. Free antibiotics.
Cons: 7-10 day quarantine in Mexico. Death. Cant eat pork tacos.

Regular Flu

Symptoms: Runny nose, sore throat, fever, aches, chills, vomiting, diarrhea.
Origin: Unknown. First report was by Hippocrates 2400 years ago.
Deaths: Hundreds of thousands per year. Millions in pandemic years.
Pros: Sweet facemasks. No school for a few days. Maybe a hummer from a lonely night nurse if you are in the hospital.
Cons: Body aches and general discomfort from fever for a few days. Death if you live in a shitty third world country or are a geriatric living alone.


I guess its just me, but the only reason I can see the panic over this swine flu is because people are so concerned about Mexican citizens dying. Or the reason that its a highly mutateable affliction that human beings may have little resistance to. Like SARs or avian flu. Either way, on paper it seems that the regular flu is way more destructive. I saw on TV this story about some family in Texas that had contracted it and were totally fine after a few days. The story would have been 10x better if it was about a family of strippers who didnt get sick but had an overwhelming urge to get naked at the building where I work at in Pennsylvania. Pretty much every story would be better like that. I guess what really bothers me about swine flu is how susceptible people are to panic. For the record, I took some grilled pork chops and sliced them real thin to have pork fajitas for dinner last night. Am I dead or dying or Mexican? No, I even went into work an hour early today. Time and a half bitches.

You want some real panic? Here are some real deal epidemics:

The Motaba Virus

Symptoms: Coughing, congestion, blood coming out of your mucus membranes, and Dustin Hoffman sightings.
Origin: That cute little monkey that traveled on a boat from Africa to California.
Deaths: ~100. Plus a bunch of African villagers.
Pros: All expenses paid free trip to a military hospital. An autograph from Renee Russo.
Cons: You literally bleed out every hole in your body for the last 48 hours of your life. Not covered by most HMO providers.


Poop your pants factor: 10x that of Swine Flu. I take solace in the fact Cuba Gooding Jr. is such a slick shot w/ the tranq gun. Take that outbreak monkey!


Rage Virus

Symptoms: Uncontrollable aggression and unquenchable blood lust. Inability to speak English. Hissing & spitting.
Origin: England.
Deaths: ~99% of the population of England
Pros: No longer have any sort of need for money or status symbols. Can do whatever you want.
Cons: Walking target for British military. Covered in blood. Reduced sexual drive.


Poop your pants factor: 100x that of Swine Flu. Think of all those goofy English accents you will never get to make fun of again.



Klumpitis

Symptoms: Obesity. Extreme flatulence.
Origin: America.
Deaths: One. Eddie Murphy's career.
Pros: Is semi-amusing the first time
encountering it. Will keep kids you are babysitting entertained for a few hours.
Cons: Wondering where those two hours of your life went.

Poop your pants factor: 1000x that of Swine Flu. Led to Norbert and also Tyler Perry's whole career.



I think XKCD puts it best when it comes to this ridiculousness. Bonus points: takes shots at idiots on twitter. Double zing!

In conclusion, shake hands with as many Mexicans as you can and keep going back for 4ths on undercooked pork products because it could be a lot worse. Now if you'll excuse me my bacon stuffed sausage with canadian bacon gravy sandwich (with scrapple as bread) is ready.

Now Thats What Im Fuckin' Talking About

My MS Paint skills are incredible. (Click for full version that is so bad ass that I punched an old lady)

Greetings and Salutations

First and foremost, welcome to the best blog ever made in the history of the internet. That being said, I hope I can always provide a positive and entertaining experience when you are here reading my own personal thoughts. If you are easily offended or take yourself too seriously, please proceed directly to the roof of whatever building you are in and jump off immediately. If you are in a one-story building or underground just take a nap under the front wheels of the nearest 18 wheeler. Ok, now that we have that out of the way, let me shed some light on my personal background.

I am a 23 year-old recent college graduate who lives in the wonderful city of Philadelphia. Five things I like are sports, reading, cute girls, cooking and making people laugh. Five things I dont like are stubbed toes, American Idol, ignorance, small-town newspapers, and cock-blocks (not to be confused with novelty, penis-shaped Legos.) People have told me that Im a funny guy and am a decent writer, so I figured I would combine them into one big stew of awesomeness. While I wont be focusing on one topic or subject here, most posts will be about my life encounters, random stuff I think about, cream soda, funny pictures or current pop culture. If you have a particular topic you want me to discuss, like robotic dinosaurs or the best type of beef jerky, drop a comment and I will write about it. Or dont, whatever its no sweat off my sack.

Originally I wanted an embedded image in the lower right corner to stay stationary on the screen as you scrolled down, but my HTML is rusty so that wont be happening just yet. Anyone who can tell me how to do it please do so ASAP. As a reward for your wealth of HTML knowledge, I will mail you a 8.5 x 11 autographed headshot of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. Also, if someone is good w/ digital imaging or photoshop, please create a pissed-off, fluorescent Tyrannosaurus Rex that has laser beams shooting out of its cock-area. No need to actually add the T-Rex cock, the lasers will suffice. But make the whole thing in pastels so it doesnt look like its actually that serious.

For now I feel like keeping anonymity would be in my best interest, since I am a young professional that may discuss some things that wont please everyone. If you really need to know who I am and are a hot chick looking to crush, the comment section would be your best bet. Note: both of those conditions must be met in order for some serious mommy and daddy dancing to occur. Im sorta pumped to start writing again so lets see how this goes. Hopefully I wont tire of this too quickly.